My amazing Doula, Michelle, came over last night for our 2nd to last appointment before Squid comes. I thought it was the last, but she's going to come over again once more a few days before my due date, if I make it that far.
With Squid's small size, my Doctor, Dr. J., has had me doing these Non Stress Tests (NSTs) twice weekly to make sure that his heart is okay and that he's responding like a healthy baby should. To date, he has passed everyone of the NSTs with flying colors. He's a champ already
[At Monday's NST]
Why the continued NSTs, you're asking? They are worried that he's not growing "big enough", according to averages, for one of four reasons:
1) There's something genetically wrong with him. (Which we've pretty much ruled out)
2) My body isn't good at absorbing what I'm eating due to my Whipple Procedure, and Squid isn't getting all that he needs from me, hence the small size. (Which is possible)
3) There is something wrong with my placenta or his cord, which is preventing him from getting what he needs even though my body IS able to provide it (oxygen, nutrients, etc). (Which, according to the cord scans, is not the case)
4) He's just a small baby. Some small Moms have small babies. (What we're hoping for)
[Big for me, but pretty small for 37.5 weeks!]
I asked Dr. J. what he though the birth might go like and he gave me two scenarios:
1) If Squid still isn't growing "enough" when I get an ultrasound next Thursday, he will schedule me for a c-section a.s.a.p.
2) If Squid IS growing, I'll keep going to the twice weekly NSTs and Dr. J. will induce me at 39 weeks.
In talking with Michelle last night, we went over all three situations: natural labor, c-section and being induced.
I really, REALLY want it to happen naturally. I don't want to have surgery. I've had my fair share of being cut into, anaesthesia, I.V.s, mask covered nurses, iodine covered body parts and staples. It makes me anxious just thinking about it. I'm a planner, I like to know how things will go.
Being induced almost guarantees that I'll need an epidural, an I.V. and will be stuck to the bed with a NST machine on my belly the whole time. The contractions are sudden and strong, not gradual like natural labor, and the pain can be relentless. With inductions usually comes narcotic pain relievers which can (and do) effect both me the baby. This is often a slippery slope that leads into a C-section, so we're back to the surgery route.
I don't want to be a patient, attached to an I.V., with a blood pressure cuff suffocating my arm. I don't want to be tethered to a bed, with an ugly gown, the machines beeping. I really DON'T want that. It makes my heart hurt just thinking about it. It reminds me of being bald and being pumped with chemo drugs and feeling like a caged animal.
[2005. My self proclaimed "glow worm" phase.]
Of course, that's the selfish, slightly traumatized side of me, and I want you all to know that I will do whatever needs to be done to get this baby into the world safe and sound. I would fillet a bunny if it meant that he'd be born all right. I'd join the circus or tattoo monkey butts all over my body. I'd eat nothing but peas for a year or clip Dustin's toenails with my teeth. I'd give away our car or never wear makeup again or shave my head for the rest of my life if it meant that he'd be okay. I will face my fears and allow myself to be cut into and stapled up and poked with needles and drugged all for him. It's all for him.
I'm just a little scared.
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