The Quiet Life of Violet

Hope, Fear and The Son

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This pregnancy, so far, has been hard on me in more than just the "normal" aches and pains way. It's brought light to many different things about being a Mother that I hadn't thought about before.

Roman will eventually learn that his mom is different.

• I hope that he won't be angry with me for being different. 

• I hope that we can raise him to be compassionate and understanding and the other kids won't tease him because his mommy has one leg and is in a wheelchair. Also, that his Mommy has scars and is missing a lung and is constantly wheezy and asthmatic.

• I hope it doesn't bother him that Momma won't be able to chase him around the park like other Moms do or that he won't be embarrassed when I park in a handicapped spot.

• I hope he digs my wheelchair. Free rides!

• I hope I never run over his toes.

• I hope he never catches my fear of the cancer that may someday decided to re-populate my body.

• I hope he never understands the anxiety that rushes through me each time I have a scan.

• I hope he never knows how sad it makes my soul to know that I could be gone before he is in Kindergarten.

• I hope there never comes a point where Bubby and I have to sit him down and explain that Mommy is sick and will be going to live with God.

• I hope I won't beat myself up when he needs help with his homework and I have no clue how to do it.

• I hope I can teach him how to drive (Yup, I drive an automatic with my left foot!).

• I hope I get to hold his hand when some little strumpet breaks his heart for the first time.

• I hope I get to adjust his tie before he heads out to prom.

• I hope I'm there when he gets married so we can figure out how to do the Mother/Son dance with me in my chair.

• I hope I get to hold my Grandbabies.

 

I  HOPE.

 

 

 

(A vote for hope?)

(1 + 1 = 3) What Makes Us Worry

    

This Momma fears a few things that I'm sure EVERY Momma fears. I don't think that it matters if you're carrying your first baby or your sixth. I think adoptive Moms fear the same things, too. For me, the fear comes from how much love is in my heart for this little boy.  We think:

"Will there be something medically wrong with this sweet baby that I'm growing?"

"Will I know that something is not right by the look on the doctor's face during an ultrasound?"

"Will something go wrong with me or the baby or just will it just be fate that this little guy is born before he's finished developing?"

I swear, I still celebrate every time I pee and the t.p. is nice and clean and normal. The memory of what I went through when I had my miscarriage will never leave my mind. Ever.

With this sweet baby, the boy that kicks and squirms and is already perfect in my eyes, I am even more afraid because he's growing into a REAL baby. When you lose a baby at 9 weeks, I don't think it's quite the same as experiencing what could happen at 27 weeks. And the thought that I might carry little Squid (Real mame: Roman, "Squiddy" forever in my eyes, though!) to term and find that after a long 9.5 months and a crazy, painful and emotional birth, there is something that still might threaten his well being, well, it kills me.

Women who have to go through that, who have to watch their sweet babies fight for their tiny lives, those women are total heroes to me.

Here are three bloggers that, in my eyes, deserve Superwomen capes and the sweet babies that put Arnold's strength to shame:

 Kayla Aimee (who is ADORABLE) from My Life Is Only Slightly Neurotic has her sweet baby girl, Scarlette at 25 weeks. I found her blog a month or so ago through somebody that I follow on Twitter (can't remember who!) and I've been a daily reader ever since.

[Source]

Little Scarlette and her Momma, Miss K.A. are two tough chicks. When I was 25 weeks and convinced that Squid would be born any day, K.A.'s blog got me through. She was inspiring and Scarlette's fight kept hope in my heart in case anything were to happen.

[source]

K.A. is raising money for The March of Dimes on her blog and is a bit away from her goal of $1,860. She's got 25 more days to reach her goal and if you'd like to help her, click HERE.

Keep going, Little Scarlette! We're all rooting for you, darling girl!

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Robbie is half of the team that makes up a little blog called A Story of Two Moms.  When her partner, Trina, became pregnant with TRIPLETS(!) through I.V.F., they were in for a ride! Trina had terrible pregnancy sickness, but because she kicks ass, she delivered 3 amazing little boys at 34 weeks! The tiny gentlemen are: Dexter, Linus and Simon.

[Source]

Within Little Linus's first week of life, it was discovered that he had some heart problems and what was called critical Aortic Stenosis which means that his aortic valve no longer opens completely, so your heart must work much much harder to eject blood and get the required amount to and fro in his little body. (source)

[Source]

Two weeks ago little Linus went into surgery to have his mitral valve replaced by a mechanical one.  He's such a tough baby and contines to fight everyday.

Robbie has a Paypal donation button on her blog and asks that if you can't donate, you give blood. Donated blood has saved Linus many times so far in his short life  and even I can say that I've benefited from donated blood. (It's kind of gross to get a transfusion, but boy it helps those in need feel like a million bucks once they receive some fresh red stuff!)

Just keep swimmin', Linus! Your brothers need you to stay strong and eventually come home so that you can pick sides later on in life! Two against one is oh-so-much-fun (says the oldest of three children)! ;)

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Last but not least...

Kate from Getty Owl has a BEAUTIFUL baby girl who, at the age of 4 months, was diagnosed with SMA1. Spinal Muscular Atrophy is a genetic disease. Babies with SMA are born with very little muscle tone and develop weak muscles. They experience feeding and breathing problems as the weakness gets worse over time.  There is no cure or treatment for SMA. The lifespan  for sweet babes with SMA1 is seldom longer than 2 – 3 years.

Baby Getty is a rockstar! Her eyes are sky blue and her smile could beach a whale.

[source]

One of her many friends contacted me asked if I could share the following link with you guys:

The Damnwells are releasing a sweet lullaby album called  Sweet Water Child--Lullabies for Getty today with all of the benefits going towards The Getty Owl Foundation and finding a cure for SMA1. Everybody loves music. And everybody loves feeling the warm fuzzies that helping squishy babies brings. 

 

Now, if you're lucky enough to be one of those Mommas who is having a "normal" pregnancy or is blessed with one (or twelve!) healthy babies, jump up and down! Be thankful! Celebrate! Give the smooshiest hugs you can, because girl, you're lucky!  We're lucky! Most pregnancies and babies come to fruition perfect as peach pie, but it's really hard not to worry about the "what-ifs". Let these blogs give you hope and comfort just in-case, goodness forbid, anything happen.

GOTTA HAVE HOPE!

Sending mountains of love and good thoughts to the Mommas and babies above and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you all, as well! Hoping you'll do the same for me and Mr. Squid! 

 

Love you guys,
Violet

 

(1 + 1 = 3) Handling The Fear

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I've gotten a few emails from people (mostly women) who are inspired by my fearlessness and bravery. I've also gotten emails from women who have had experiences that are similar to mine in the miscarriage and pregnancy department. Last night I got an especially lovely letter from a new reader who shared that she too had struggled with some of the things that I did after losing the baby last year.

I want to be honest with you guys.

I'm not fearless and most of the time I don't feel very brave.

I'm scared every day of my life. Scared that one day I'll wake up and find a lump on one of my ribs. Scared that I'll cough one day and just know that something is growing in my only lung. Fearful that I'll go pee one day soon and notice that I'm bleeding and I'll go into pre-term labor and Squiddy, this beautiful little boy of mine, will not make it. Scared that something will be wrong with him after he's born. I fear that after all of my hard work, all of the swollen feet and laboring and birth, that I'll get cancer again and die before I can really enjoy being a Momma to my boy. Scared that I'll leave Dustin all alone with this baby. Scared of his broken heart and a boy without his Mom. Scared that my parents will have to bury their daughter.

I'M SCARED.

Do you know what I've realized, though?

There is nothing wrong with being scared or having fear. There is nothing wrong with the tears full of fear that fall down my cheek. There is nothing wrong with holding my breath every time I have a painful twinge in my back and belly or freaking out every time I have a sore lung from coughing (dang dairy aggravated asthma).

I accept my fear. I don't hide from it. I try really hard to take it for what it is and embrace it. 

Only in accepting what scares you, standing up, looking it right in the face and telling it that it's okay to be there, can you really move forward. I take my fear by the hand and keep on walking down my life's path. Hand in hand, chin up and eyes mostly forward. Just keep walking.

 

 

Happy Saturday, my loves.
:)

2010 (in a nutshell)

A list:

• Dustin's job got wonky, had to move
• Lost our first little baby
• Had the worst broken heart Ive ever had
• Parted ways with a really close friend
• Sadly, lost other friends as a result
• Doubted myself
• Got depressed
• Made some really awesome new friends
• Found my way with the food I eat
• Detoxed my body
• Started trying for another baby
• Wen to Disneyland with friends
• Celebrated my 26th birthday
• Doubted myself
• Went to the beach over and over
• Celebrated Dustin's 26th birthday
• Saw our close friend McKenzie get married
• Went to Tahoe for a wedding.
• Went to our friend's cabin a few times! Attepmted to knee board!
• Started really researching essential oils
• Planned out my Bath and Beauty line
• Doubted myself
• Went to the Renaissance Faire
• Had the courage to find closure in my Misscarriage
• Went to Canada to visit Leigh-Ann and family - had an AMAZING time
• Came home to a wonderful husband who sucessfully "put a baby in me." SCORE!
• Found out we were expecting on our 6th wedding anniversary.
• Kept it a secret from most of our friends and family
• Have three Trick-or-treaters
• Celebrated Thanksgiving with family
• Was exhausted!
• Went to a handful fo Doctor's appointments
• Had evening sickness (ew.)
• Celebrated reaching the 3 month mark with no problems!
• Announced my pregnancy on here! (You guys blew me away with your love!)
• Had an amazing Christmas Eve and Day with family
• Dustin had the last week of of the year off for vacation
• Had an amazing New Year's Eve, complete with teeny baby bump!

A few pictures, perhaps?

and that leaves us with... today!

I hope 2010 was amazing for you and yours
and that 2011 is even better!

 

Flashback Fridays -- Donk

 

Dustin and I are laying here on the couch at him Mom's house after celebrating her birthday at a local pasta house. We, Dustin and I, his parents and younger brother, came home and devoured a splendid cheese cake that his Dad made (A-mazing) and I realized that I forgot to blog today!  I was out most of the day helping Lori at The Nova Studio and then I came home, packed for the evening, wrapped a gift and then crashed out until Dustin got home. I have excuses. ;)

So, back to sitting on the couch. We're browsing through my old photos, looking for inspiration and we came across this jem. Dustin promptly it named "Donk." I don't know why. He said that it had some thing to do with the door handle, wide eyes, him hiding behind my head and the massive cold sore on my lip. Well, I brought up the cold sore part.. I like to think he didn't see it. ;)

This photo was taken on New Years Eve of 2005 in a little Bed and Breakfast in Carmel, California. I was still getting chemo because of the whole "tumor filled lung" thing and New Years Eve just happened to fall on the time in my chemo cycle when I was out of the hospital and was feeling really good, the precious 1/2 of a week where I felt almost "normal."  Here, I was putting my makeup on: eyeshadow, liner, mascara on the few eyelashes that hadn't fallen out yet. Puffy face from steroidsI tried to cover up the lip sore that happened to grace my face (my immune system, like almost every person who is going through chemo, was terribly shot). Blue, cozy knit beanie for my baldie-bald head.

We decided to take a few pictures and, after going though the whole batch, this little gem was the one that Dustin chose for this week's post to commemorate that weekend in our life where we almost felt "normal."

Now, every week feels "normal" and that is something that's worth all of the door knobs, cold-sores, eyelashes and "creepy Husbands who lurk in photos"  in the world.

DONK.

Flashback Fridays -- $84,000

In 2008, the last time (hopefully forever!) that I had cancer, the doctors decided that in order to get the little bit of tumor out of my only lung, that the answer was a type of radiation called "Cyberknifing."

[side note: look at how spunky I thought I was with my pink hair. Oh dear!]

(ahemm) Back to the story

The Cyberknifing radiation process went like this:

• To start, I took a nifty CT scan where they had me breathe normally and they "video" taped it through CT technology so they could see exactly where the tumor was as I inhaled and exhaled. Normally during CT scans, they have you hold your breath so that they can get a really clear image of your "frozen" lungs (or brain or stomach.. what ever they're scanning). But, not for this Violet, oh no. I needed a super special, cutting edge scan. (That's just how I roll)
• After they got the CT scan "video," they then programed the Cyberknife machine to set up a radiation "set" that would zap my little tumor precisely from a bunch of different directions, without zapping very much of the healthy tissue.
• For five days in a  row, Dustin and I trekked over the bridge into San Francisco to the radiology department of UCSF.  Each day, I had a one hour radiation session where I played Regina Spektor's "Begin To Hope"  each time.
• The arm of the machine moved all around me while I laid in a very specific position on the little scan bed.  I kind of felt like a car door being created. (This is the brand of machine that they use for Cyberknifing procedures, only they sub a nifty radiation tip on the end instead of a robotic hand.)

On the fifth day, I was free (that was, of course, until two weeks later when they found that huge grapefruit-sized tumor in my tummy.. but, that's another story!). Done with that chapter of my life.  Good riddance!

[Us in the parking garage  after my last treatment.]

 

What's with the $84,000 title?
I thought you'd never ask.

$84,626.00
That's how much it costs to feel like a car door.

$0.00 is how much it costs when you've got great insurance.

Hw much good health is worth? Ask Mastercard.

 

Life is GOOD!