The Quiet Life of Violet

Yesterday Was Friday

Oh. My. Gosh.

 

Thursday after the ultrasound and during the pedicures that Leigh-Ann and I were getting, I got a call. I let it go to voice mail since chatting on the phone while with a friend who flew over 1,000 miles to see me just isn't my style.  I listened to the voice mail later and was informed that I had been schedule for a Non-Stress test on Friday, the next day.

I had a whole fun Friday planned out for us and an appointment that was scheduled without my consent and without reason, just wasn't going to happen. I decided to call first thing on yesterday and get it straightened out.

Once I was able to get ahold of the nurse, she directed me to the Non-Stress Test (NST) technician and the conversation included such terms as:

• Ultrasound Doctor called last night
• Urgent
• Baby is too small
• Problems
• HAVE to come in for the test
• Possible heart problems
• Possible emergency c-section

Yeah, I flipped the freak out.  I had, in my head,  convinced myself that it was over. The end of Squid.

I call my Doula, Michelle, and tell her what's going on and she so soothing. She tells me not to worry and that the nurse was TOTALLY out of line to even mention anything that she did. That she actually had to have NSTs with her daughter and she failed a few. That if, for some reason, they wanted to do a c-section, to tell them that I was going to need a day (unless Squid was in peril danger, of course) to go home and pack and think about it. To not let anyone bully me into anything, because they do. I can tell you first hand that they do, from cancer doctors to baby doctors, most want to fit you into THEIR schedule, with little thought about what's best and most calming for you.

I texted Dustin and told him that he HAD to come with me. He was training the guy who is taking over his route (Dustin has been promoted to manager), so they were in the middle of their day. Bub was able to do some magic trick and ended up being able to meet me half way and he came with me to my appointment. We get lost (how, I don't even know) on the way, ended up being 15 minutes late. I cried most of the way and Dustin cursed, mostly for getting lost and the nurse who scared me and a bit for how messed up his day was, too.

 

Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh.


The leaves rustle outside the room where I lay on a hospital bed, monitor strapped to my little belly. Tears  fall. My heart, head, eyes hurt. My heart HURTS. Dustin has to sit outside in the waiting room, as there are other ladies (with huge bellies) also getting the same test done in the four-bed room.

I email my Mom on my phone. Listen to the "whoosh" of Squid's heart beat with bitter fear. Try and read an outdated InStyle magazine and just end up getting frusterated while I skim across pictures of pregnant movie stars. They don't have huge bellies either, though. I can't bear to touch my tummy because the thought of having Squid cut from me makes me want to vomit.

Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh.

After a good 45 minutes of laying there, it's determined that Squid's heart beat and response to what ever is going on inside my womb is fine. He's FINE. He's small, in the bottom 10 percentile, but he moves and his heart is strong and my placenta is fabulous, as well as my blood pressure.

Dr. M., My normal doctor's partner,  reassures me that the baby is strong and was only worried since I have protein in my urine, an indication of Pre-eclampsia, but I inform him that I've have protein in my pee even before I was pregnant due to my Whipple Procedure. He said that some babies are just small, and since he's pretty much ruled out fetal stress, placental abnormalities and Pre-eclampsia, that it might just be that he's going to be small. Perfect, but small.

I tell him about the woman who mentioned emergency c-section. His eyes widen. He is visibly angry that someone in his office would say that to any patient. DAMN RIGHT. He tells me that he's defiantly going to have a "talk" with his nurses and this really relieves me

I spent a whole day feeling like my heart was being ripped from my chest and beat with a wiffle ball bat.

And he's fine.

 

 

Dustin, Leigh-Ann and I are off to go celebrate this small boy with family, my second shower.

<3

 

Dear Squid-Kid: Your BFF

Recently Daddy and I drove out to the country to enjoy the company of our friends and celebrate your future BFF's 1st birthday party.

Little Gavin is our Godson. That means that if anything bad happens to his parents, Daddy and I will raise him. 

He is squishy and tall and has the prettiest blue eyes. He has a giant cowlick on the back of his head and his thick blond waves just melt Momma! I hope you have a cowlick, too. If you have hair that's anything like Daddy's you are almost guaranteed to have at least one!

Your BFF also loves horsies.

Maybe once you're old enough, you and Gavin can take riding lessons together!

Gavin had the CUTEST cake for his pirate themed party, Squiddy. He needed a little help breaking through the fondant and didn't quite know what to do with the cake.

"Do I eat it? Do I just squish it like mud? Why is everyone staring at me?"

Momma had a teeny tiny (PERFECT!) cupcake. Not too much sugar but it was just big enough to satisfy my sweet tooth!

 

Being at Gavin's party made Daddy and I pause and realize that about one year from now, we will be having the exact same kind of celebration for you. 

Holy crap, Squiddy. YOU WILL BE ONE!

I can't wait to give birth to you, hold you and enjoy all of the amazing, wonderful little things that will fill up your first year.

I'M SO EXCITED!

 

I love you more than teeny cupcakes, horses and good hair days,

Your Momma

 

DIY! Easy Tub-Teas for Baby

[Last night in my pajamas, all cozy in bed!]

Yesterday on Miss Marmie's blog, Pamplemousse1983, I did a couple of guest posts for her Baby Shower blog party! Fun stuff, I tell you.

This was an awesome little D.I.Y. that I did in celebration of M and her sweet baby to-be, Margaux. You can make these lovely little bath teas for Baby or you can whip up a batch and pamper yourself (no baby required!).

How To Make Tub Teas For Baby

You'll need:

- unbleached (biodegradable if possible!) coffee filters
- a teaspoon
- a magic bullet (with grinder blade), small food processor or a clean, unused coffee grinder
- something to close tub teas with: twist tie, chip clip, stapler, string/yarn
- Herbs (Organic, if possible!): lavender, calendula, chamomile, rose petals/buds
- Organic oatmeal

 

 

In case you were too memorized by my awesome chorus "ums" to take notes, I've included a quick write up about each ingredient below. ;)

Baby Herb Index:

Chamomile:
- Calming
- Softens skin
- Soothes irritation and rashes
- Good to use in bedtime blends
- Can be used alone or in a blend

Calendula:
- Soothes inflamed skin
- Good even for sensitive skin
- Can be used alone or in blends

Rose:
- Mentally stimulating
- Boosts baby's mood
- Soothes inflamed skin
- Good for morning/daytime baths
- Can be used alone or in blends

Lavender:
- Relaxing
- Calms a fussy baby and soothes nerves
- Works as a pick me up, especially when baby has a cold
- It has strong antibacterial/ medicinal properties and MUST be used blended with other herbs. Do not use alone!

Oatmeal:
- Softens and moisturizes
- Helps calm and heal problem skin (sores, rashes, eczema)
- Calms baby's mood
- Blend into a powder with grinder or buy pre-ground as "oatmeal flour"

 Mountain Rose Herbs is my FAVORITE site to purchase good quality herbs over the internet. Their prices are really good, especially for organic ingredients and the customer service they provide is stellar. 

 

Hope you enjoyed that!

xo,
Violet

(1 + 1 = 3) What Makes Us Worry

    

This Momma fears a few things that I'm sure EVERY Momma fears. I don't think that it matters if you're carrying your first baby or your sixth. I think adoptive Moms fear the same things, too. For me, the fear comes from how much love is in my heart for this little boy.  We think:

"Will there be something medically wrong with this sweet baby that I'm growing?"

"Will I know that something is not right by the look on the doctor's face during an ultrasound?"

"Will something go wrong with me or the baby or just will it just be fate that this little guy is born before he's finished developing?"

I swear, I still celebrate every time I pee and the t.p. is nice and clean and normal. The memory of what I went through when I had my miscarriage will never leave my mind. Ever.

With this sweet baby, the boy that kicks and squirms and is already perfect in my eyes, I am even more afraid because he's growing into a REAL baby. When you lose a baby at 9 weeks, I don't think it's quite the same as experiencing what could happen at 27 weeks. And the thought that I might carry little Squid (Real mame: Roman, "Squiddy" forever in my eyes, though!) to term and find that after a long 9.5 months and a crazy, painful and emotional birth, there is something that still might threaten his well being, well, it kills me.

Women who have to go through that, who have to watch their sweet babies fight for their tiny lives, those women are total heroes to me.

Here are three bloggers that, in my eyes, deserve Superwomen capes and the sweet babies that put Arnold's strength to shame:

 Kayla Aimee (who is ADORABLE) from My Life Is Only Slightly Neurotic has her sweet baby girl, Scarlette at 25 weeks. I found her blog a month or so ago through somebody that I follow on Twitter (can't remember who!) and I've been a daily reader ever since.

[Source]

Little Scarlette and her Momma, Miss K.A. are two tough chicks. When I was 25 weeks and convinced that Squid would be born any day, K.A.'s blog got me through. She was inspiring and Scarlette's fight kept hope in my heart in case anything were to happen.

[source]

K.A. is raising money for The March of Dimes on her blog and is a bit away from her goal of $1,860. She's got 25 more days to reach her goal and if you'd like to help her, click HERE.

Keep going, Little Scarlette! We're all rooting for you, darling girl!

-----

Robbie is half of the team that makes up a little blog called A Story of Two Moms.  When her partner, Trina, became pregnant with TRIPLETS(!) through I.V.F., they were in for a ride! Trina had terrible pregnancy sickness, but because she kicks ass, she delivered 3 amazing little boys at 34 weeks! The tiny gentlemen are: Dexter, Linus and Simon.

[Source]

Within Little Linus's first week of life, it was discovered that he had some heart problems and what was called critical Aortic Stenosis which means that his aortic valve no longer opens completely, so your heart must work much much harder to eject blood and get the required amount to and fro in his little body. (source)

[Source]

Two weeks ago little Linus went into surgery to have his mitral valve replaced by a mechanical one.  He's such a tough baby and contines to fight everyday.

Robbie has a Paypal donation button on her blog and asks that if you can't donate, you give blood. Donated blood has saved Linus many times so far in his short life  and even I can say that I've benefited from donated blood. (It's kind of gross to get a transfusion, but boy it helps those in need feel like a million bucks once they receive some fresh red stuff!)

Just keep swimmin', Linus! Your brothers need you to stay strong and eventually come home so that you can pick sides later on in life! Two against one is oh-so-much-fun (says the oldest of three children)! ;)

-----

Last but not least...

Kate from Getty Owl has a BEAUTIFUL baby girl who, at the age of 4 months, was diagnosed with SMA1. Spinal Muscular Atrophy is a genetic disease. Babies with SMA are born with very little muscle tone and develop weak muscles. They experience feeding and breathing problems as the weakness gets worse over time.  There is no cure or treatment for SMA. The lifespan  for sweet babes with SMA1 is seldom longer than 2 – 3 years.

Baby Getty is a rockstar! Her eyes are sky blue and her smile could beach a whale.

[source]

One of her many friends contacted me asked if I could share the following link with you guys:

The Damnwells are releasing a sweet lullaby album called  Sweet Water Child--Lullabies for Getty today with all of the benefits going towards The Getty Owl Foundation and finding a cure for SMA1. Everybody loves music. And everybody loves feeling the warm fuzzies that helping squishy babies brings. 

 

Now, if you're lucky enough to be one of those Mommas who is having a "normal" pregnancy or is blessed with one (or twelve!) healthy babies, jump up and down! Be thankful! Celebrate! Give the smooshiest hugs you can, because girl, you're lucky!  We're lucky! Most pregnancies and babies come to fruition perfect as peach pie, but it's really hard not to worry about the "what-ifs". Let these blogs give you hope and comfort just in-case, goodness forbid, anything happen.

GOTTA HAVE HOPE!

Sending mountains of love and good thoughts to the Mommas and babies above and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you all, as well! Hoping you'll do the same for me and Mr. Squid! 

 

Love you guys,
Violet

 

Cancer is a Gift

(click the link and watch the video first -- sorry, there is no "embed" code for the video.)

Man Dying of Cancer Leaves Behind an Unforgettable Video

 

After seeing this video through a friend on Facebook, I knew that I had to write something on here about what I was feeling.

I am not a majorly religious person.

I believe in God and respect the fact that I will never understand everything that IS God. I think that's part of what makes religion and spirituality so great - you have to have faith. You have to give up control and just go with it... there is not any concrete, 100% positive proof that any of it is true, so you just have to... let go. Dive in. Feel it. Pry your white-knuckled little fingers off of the driver's wheel, close your eyes and just... be.

When I had cancer as a child, I didn't understand. At eleven years old, you just kind of do what your parents tell you to. You get the chemo. You lose your hair. You have the leg removed.  You just do it.

As an adult, having your life threatened at not only twenty-one and twenty-five is a different story. 

[2005 - losing my lung.]

You think.

You lay awake, conscious and in pain - both physical and heart-ache pain. My heart was broken, mouth and mind tired of asking WHY. Why do the druggie kids down the street get to frolic about, dance in our headlights as we make our way to the E.R. because the chemo had pulverized my white-blood cells and I now had an infection?

Why do my peers get to finish college, drink, go to parties, have jobs while I worry if this my last Christmas. The last winter I'd ever share with my Husband or the last Summer that I'd ever feel the heat. Why would God punish me this way?


[2005 - sometimes smiles are fake.]

Through many nights and days of WHY, I eventually came to conclusion that my cancer was a gift.  god wasn't punishing, he was putting me through the school of life. I'd accepted the hardships of cancer, taken the burden and fear, carried the big rock on my little back for a reason.

God had, through cancer and without me realizing, given me a "life" Bachelors Degree, with an emphasis on Inspiring Others and a minor in Mending Your Own Broken Heart.

I was given these trials to help others.
Put through "class" to inspire other people simply by surviving.
To live deeply.
To not give up, even when the doctors told my family to prepare for my death (that was two and half years ago before my stomach surgery).
To hold my head high even when I get odd looks while I shop for groceries in a wheel chair.
To smile with the force of a thousand suns when a little kid stops dead in his track to stare at the spot where my right leg should be and asks, "What's WRONG with you?"
To learn to love myself.
To let others know that it's okay to be different.
That birth, death, breathing, sex, peeing, walking, sleeping, falling, crying, smiling, driving , cooking are the most beautiful things ever to grace the face of the Earth.

[2009 - after we were told I was gunna die within the month.]

[2009 - the first picture I took after my stomach surgery. two months after I proved them wrong.]

[2009 - four months, learning to really love.]

Cancer has gifted me the understanding that EVERYTHING is a gift.
Not to take anything for granted.
To enjoy each meal, because I've experienced a time when a tumor blocked my stomach off and it was physically impossible for me to eat.
To enjoy each time I can get up to pee by myself, no catheter, no chemo-scented urine.
To roll around in MY bed in MY pajamas with not a hint of "hospital laundry" smell anywhere.
That Husbands, Mothers, Fathers, siblings, In-Laws, Aunts & Uncles, friends and pets that love you, even when you're puking in their living-room or begging them for answer as to WHY you're dying... that is a gift. The best gift. 
To be happy with the small things. To pick them out, hug them and hold them up for all to see.
To be thankful (SO THANKFUL) that my body is healthy now, even if it doesn't stay this way forever.

[People who've held me up when I've fallen down and have helped learn how to love my whole self. They  were hand-picked by God to help me and for each I am forever grateful.]

The most important lesson that cancer has gifted me is to love.
To love HARD.
To kiss the man that I love with every cell in my body.
To wrap my arms around him even if he smells like "work" and B.O.
To let my soul seep out of my pores and blanket him with love, even if he's sleeping.
That everything good that has ever happened on Earth was because of love, in someway.
To let my heart feel love for people even if we're not getting along, because deep down, after pride and anger and jealousy and resentment, I still honestly love everyone more than I love the sun, sleep and In-N-out burger combined.
Even if I don't know you, I still love you.

[Yeah, my kid sticks his tongue out at the camera even while in the womb. He's AWESOME!]

And this Baby, this beautiful little creatures who lives inside my body and grows a little each moment, is the biggest miracle I've ever witnessed in my whole life.
There isn't a big enough number to express how thankful and happy and full of pure love I am.
Everything I've been taught by cancer has opened my eyes, prepared me for this time in my life, this baby, this adventure, this love.
Cancer has shown me how amazing it is to be human, just a random girl sitting in a wheel chair, stuck to the floor by gravity on planet Earth that's floating in space around a star called the Sun.
There isn't an ocean full of enough water to match the the amount of joy that swims in my heart in this moment as I type this to you.

Cancer was a gift.
Cancer made me thankful.
Cancer helped me to inspire.
Cancer taught me humility and how be humble.
Cancer taught me to get excited about the teeny little things.
Cancer taught me to love deeply and fully.
Cancer has brought me to God.


Cancer was the greatest gift I've ever been given.

(1 + 1 = 3) Cloth Diaper Dilema!

Help me Mommas (and Papas, too)!!

As you know, I'm new to all things baby. (Secret: I don't think I've ever even HELD a newborn baby. Yikes!) I've never been a  Mom before. Never been around a baby younger than a year for more than a half-an hour at a time. Never had a baby with me over night. TOTAL NOOBIE.

I've been registering for all of our Squid-Kid needs (SO fun!) on both Target.com and Amazon.com and I've come to a fork in the road! I KNOW that I want to use cloth diapers.. ever since Dustin and I started talking about babies, a few months after we were married (6+ years ago!), I just knew. I started re-searching all things "green" momma -- home births, cloth diapers, breast feeding, baby body products and the like. 

Why do I feel so passionate about cloth diapers? Why, let me make you a little list!

• Obviously, it's better for the earth to NOT have plastic bombs full of rotting poop and pee sitting in plastic trash-bags for 1,000 years. It's just gross. When I think about how much poop has been buried and plopped into dumpsters, it just makes me sick.  With the cloths, I wash the diapers like any other item of clothing and once Squid is old enough, we'll flush the solid parts of his messy diapers so that it goes where all of our poop goes.. to the Poo plant. (I should start a running total for how many time I say the word "poop" in this post.)
  
• The SMELL of plastic diapers has always grossed me out. The times I've been around a kid with a soaking diaper, and the whole changing of the wet to the dry goes down.. the smell is just gross. Even a clean, fresh diaper from the package make me feel icky. I don't want to take part in that chemical mess AND if it's harsh to my nose, imagine what it's like to someone (Squiddy!) who is just learning to use his nose for the first time ever, as well as our poor little pets who have a KILLER sense of smell. :/
  
  
• Speaking of chemicals:
       "...dyes, sodium polyacrylate (the super absorbent gel), and dioxin, which is a by-product of bleaching paper.  Sodium polyacrylate has been linked in the past to toxic shock syndrome, allergic reactions and is very harmful and potentially lethal to pets. Some dyes and dioxin according to the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) is known to cause damage to the central nervous system, kidneys, and liver. The (FDA) Food & Drug Administration has received reports that fragrances in disposables caused headaches, dizziness and rashes.  Problems reported to the Consumer Protection Agency regarding disposables include, chemical burns, noxious chemical and insecticide odors, babies pulling disposables apart and putting pieces of plastic into their noses and mouth, choking on tab papers and linings, plastic melting onto the skin, and ink staining the skin.  Plastic tabs can also tear skin if the diaper is not properly put on the baby." - Source

• Babies who wear cloth diapers have less diaper rash, at least that's what I've heard. I don't know if this is true.. Cloth Mommas, care to share?
• Cost! Cloth diapers may cost more upfront, but in the long run, they are a MUCH cheaper solution, especially since we plan on having at least three kids, as long as pregnancy suits me well (surprise!). Recycle, reduce, re-use!
  
  
• Cloth diapering will make me feel like more of a... mother. At least that's what I'm thinking. The work that I put into this endeavor -- preparing diapers that are not only better for the earth, but our precious baby boy AND our wallets, will make me feel like I'm contributing to our family in yet another way.  Some people show their love through food (I might count as one of these people, too!) and others through their diapers. ;)
  
  

 

With all of the above said, and now that our little Squid is going to be here in less than 5 months (Holy CRAP - no pun intended), I've put my re-search into full force.

We know that we want to use a one-size diaper... something that will take us from birth to potty training.  Both the FuzziBunz AND the Bum Genius have a one-size diaper.

 
In the battle of the Bum Holders,
it's come down to the bumGenius and FuzziBunz diapers.

The Two Contenders:

The Fuzzibunz One Size Pocket Diaper:

Details:

• Fits babies 7 - 35 pounds
• Adjustable, replaceable, encased leg elastics that grow with your baby
• Adjustable, durable front snap closure
• Microfiber liner, less bulky that more plush diapers
• Easy to open pocket slot -- no fiddling with tucked top flap = no poop on your fingers
• Built to last at least three years with daily use and washing
• Comes with 2 washable insert
• Inserts can be doubled up for extra absorbency
• Comes in 14 colors
• $19.95 each on Amazon.com
  
  

The bumGenius 4.0 One Size Cloth Diaper:

Details:

• Fits babies 7 - 35+ pounds
• Three rows of adjustable snaps on front of diaper transform diaper into S, M & L size
• Waterproof outer liner
• Leg elastic is not adjustable, but is replaceable
• Diaper closes in front with stretchy velcro tabs = easy closure
• Attach velcro tab to the "laundry tab" on the inside
• The velcro tab CAN unhook and latch onto other items in washer/dryer causing a big, velcro-y mess
• Inside of diaper has soft, suede-ed inner fabric
• Comes with two insert, a newborn insert and one-size insert for older babies.
• Inserts are washable and can be doubled up for extra absorbency
• Comes in 8 colors
• Pocket slot cover, to keep wet liner away from baby, but can get your fingers messy
  
• $17.95 each
  

 

Yeah, I'm a Gemini.. I'm still torn between the two! Wah wah waaaah.

Do any of you have any recommendations, experiences, or thoughts?
Eeeeep!

 xoxo,
Violet

(That post was a lot of work! Show me some love & give me two clicks?)
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