Teddy & Clementine

From the beginning of this pregnancy, I was convinced that I was carrying a girl. I just felt it. Just like I felt that Roman was a boy.

When my doctor told me that we were expecting another boy and not a girl, I was shocked to say the very  least. I had felt so strongly that I was carrying our Clementine. Our girl. Dustin's Daddy's Girl. I was zero percent prepared for the possibility of having another son because I knew that it was a girl. Well, I was wrong, which was not only hard for me to admit (I don't like being wrong), but broke my heart a little bit. I had this whole lifetime of things planned out, things that I would share with my daughter. Ringlets and frilly dresses and hair bows. Barbies and baby dolls and all the other cliche, 'gender-specific' things that come with having a daughter.

All of the above came to a halt when I heard my doctor say, "There's the penis." Two boys? What am I going to do with two boys? I would be out-numbered 3-to-1 and the testosterone swirling around the room would be thick enough to cut with a knife! My house would be filled with muddy boots and army men and dead bugs brought in from outside. The thought of having TWO Romans, with all of the never-ending energy, strong opinions and ON-THE-GO-24/7 really scared the crap out of me. Would there be days that the two of them would cause so much brotherly havoc that I would just curl up into a ball on the living room floor and let them pillow fight my face? Would I look something like this on a daily basis:

 

It was very hard for me to accept that the baby in my belly was a boy. That I wasn't going to get my Clementine this pregnancy and that this might be my last pregnancy. I felt like a failure as a mother and a person for not being happy with what I had - so much of my life and what I preach is to be thankful for everything! There was a lot of guilt and jealousy that I felt, but I tried not to show it because those things don't help anyone. I would acknowledge my feelings, put them on a shelf in my head and try and focus on the things that were going well with the pregnancy.

Well, as you all know, my water broke eight weeks ago. I've been in the hospital on bedrest the past six weeks, fighting to keep this Teddy boy alive and well inside of me. Looking back, it seems like such an insult to this little bear that I was ever sad that he wasn't who I expected. Part of me felt like my rupture happened because I wasn't grateful for what I had been given, for my boy. I know, I know, I don't think that's really why it happened, (the doctors think that it's related to my bleed at 11 weeks) but every once in a while I'll get a whisper of a thought and immediately feel such horrible guilt that I wasn't 100% psyched with the sex of this baby.

Now, after fighting for us for this long and sacrificing so much with my Roman to save his brother, I feel so close to this boy who has hung on for so long. He's such a strong soul, he's playful and I have a feeling that he'll be much more relaxed that Roman. I hope he'll be my sensitive poet boy who loves animals and won't be so on-the-go that being cuddly with his Momma is out of the question (ahem, Roman, ahem). Who will he look like? I can't even begin to imagine what his face will look like... every time I try, I just come back to Roman's face because he's all I've ever known. Will he have curly hair? Dark hair? Grey and hazel eyes like Roman and Dustin or big browns like me?  I am just so VERY thankful that we've been given the chance to meet him. For Teddy to continue to grow after my water broke at 22 weeks. Our goal is to keep him in here until he's 34 weeks unless he comes early. Because he's breech with his little butt sitting right on my cervix, and the fact that they don't anticipate that he'll move into the head-down position (I don't have enough water for him to do so), the doctor's have scheduled my c-section for January 3rd (34 weeks exactly).  From there, if Teddy's lungs are in good enough shape (they have high hopes and we do, too), he may only have to stay in the NICU for a few weeks just to make sure that he's putting on weight and can maintain his body temperature. He might not even need any assistance breathing! No vent, no c-pap and no nasal cannula (the little clear tube that they put by your nose). It would be such a miracle if he didn't need any help breathing! I think he's a miracle no matter what happens, though. This kid has a serious will to live and I'm so very proud of him. He's given me courage and has pushed me past my comfort zone because now I WANT to someday be curled up on the floor getting the crap beat out of me with pillows by my two boys. Maybe next time we'll get our Clementine, but for right now, I don't want anyone other than my Teddy.

Three weeks and three days to go!

 

 

 

Comments

[Emma]

I'm pregnant with our second son as well and had similar disappointment when we found out the sex. I was very sad for a few days afterwards because I have so many dreams of having a daughter. Then I felt terribly guilty for feeling sad at all. Now at 32 weeks I'm so excited to meet my second little guy and to give my eldest a brother.

I've been following your hospital stay on IG and I'm cheering you and Teddy on! He is such a little fighter and you are a great mama.

[caroline]

I cannot imagine what it must feel like to count down the days to meeting Teddy must feel like as opposed to counting off each day that you two have made it since your water broke <3 Such happy and exciting news!

I know you're told dozens [if not more] of times each day that some person you've never met is thinking of you or inspired by your story, but count me among them. I'm 19 weeks along myself, and especially lately I keep thinking of how amazing it is that you two were only a few weeks more along than myself when your water broke and how far you've come. I really feel for you in general, but especially when you write about missing out on "normal" holiday activities and family time with Roman. I hope these next few weeks pass quickly [as quickly as you'd like that is - always feels conflicting to think of wishing away time] and you're able to get plenty of time with your family until Teddy makes his big appearance.

-Much love,
Caroline

[Megan Tuohey]

It's such wonderful news re Teddy. Would you believe that I was do so convinced we were having a girl, that we also named her.... Clementine. Then found out we were having a boy (Tex, 2 weeks old).
Small world :-)

Go Teddy, 3 weeks and 3 days - you guys can do it!

[Amy]

You know, I felt identical to everything you described. Even though my pregnancy was so easy compared to the incredible fight you and Teddy have been putting in I still felt guilt about feeling that way. Now that I've had both of my boys around for 9 months I find it hard to imagine what I would do with a little girl. It just seems so right being the lady of the house and being surrounded by my boys. There are still times I get hit with a pang of mourning for the girl I may never have, I won't lie. But looking at my family of boys I know it's how it's supposed to be. You will love being the queen of the house and watching your little men grow, I promise you. It's comforting to know I wasn't alone in my feelings though. Sending you live from one queen bee to another. ♥

[janine]

My sister gave birth to twins at about 34/35 weeks. I was a wreck. They were perfect. No vent, no NICU, no nothing. Its possible. They were only about 4.10 pounds each also. If you already have the shot that helps develop the babies lungs its really good. She did and that had to help alot. High hopes and positive thoughts coming your way.

[Caitlin]

Beautifully written, and I love your honesty in this. I imagine a lot of parents have these feelings but few talk about it. We're all human, we all have human feelings. I've said it before but I'm so, so happy for you that everything is going along as it should and no major hiccups. I can't wait to see photos of little Teddy and Roman together. <3 Love you. Also, I really enjoy our text conversations :)

[Erin]

i hope you guys are still doing alright. i keep checking back hoping to see some good news. sending good thoughts to you and your family, whatever the outcome has been!