1,300 Things to be Thankful For -- Matt "Baby King" Mac

(NOT safe for work. Matt has a potty mouth!)

See previous weeks HERE.
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'Sup all you ovulating ladies.  Matthew Charles here.  Stephanie AKA Violet asked me to write a "thankful" post, and as you can already see, that was probably an unwise move on her part.  My girlfriend is here to help me edit out some of my crudeness, and sadly the phrase "ovulatin' hoez" didn't make the cut and "baby-bearin' bitches" was edited out in the second draft.  Let's keep it classy now.

So here's my completely authentic bio.  I was born a poor (middle class) black (white) child in the projects (suburbs) of Compton (Oakley, CA).  My father was a pimp (manager) who left me and my mother alone and destitute (no he didn't).  To keep the family afloat, my mother made me work the streets (Albertson's grocery store) at the young age of 6 (16) to support their crack habit (this part is actually true).  These days, I sell double-platinum hardcore rap albums (I do data processing for a mail house) while I pimp my hoes (Natalie is an upstanding lady (not really, she be a hoe (how deep can these parentheses go?))).  And here are the things I'm thankful for:

 

________

 

826.  Bourbon.  All the cool kids are doing it.  Why aren't you?

827. Cleavage.  There's the old overused saying, "the best thing since sliced bread," but in this case it's true.  Think about it.  Split-top wheat.  IN 3-D.

828.  Fast food.  It makes me strong.  One day, when the good ole nuclear holocaust hits, the years and years of McDonalds burger semi-food stored inside my molecules will absorb the radiation the same way iodine pills do in your thyroid (the ladies love nuclear survival talk) and I'll be one of the few remaining survivors.  I'll have the last laugh, you fast-digesting soy-burger-eating hippies!!!


829.  Swear words.  "Bad words" is a misnomer.  Fuck it.  Swear words can be used in a tasteful goddamn manner.  Knock down the walls sister, let's just talk like normal fucking people.

830.  Hulu.  Fuck broadcast television.  I've got my Hulu.

831.  Young, sweet, nubile Natalie (my girlfriend).  Light of my life.  Fire of my loins.  Nat-a-lie.  Sorry baby, but if you look at the list, apparently fast food and Hulu are more important to me than you.  Sick burn.



832.  Video games.  Double-jumping to hard to reach places and spin-attacking goblins gives me the skills I need to survive in the real world.  I actually just copy-and-pasted that from my resume.

833.  The Foof.  Not "the floof," not "that beanbag chair."  It has a name and if you step foot in my home YOU WILL RESPECT IT.  Exhibit A:


834. Thanksgiving.  A delicious dinner where the only catch is that people are going to try to force the thankfullness out of you.  "WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR?!?!? TELL ME YOU SONUVABITCH!!!"

835. New Year's Eve/Day.  See above, replace "dinner" with drunkenness and the whole thankfullness thing with resolutions.

836.  Puppies.  I'm an emotionless dick, but you've got to be like a level 100 goddamn asshole to not be moved by a picture like this:


837.  Fixing shit without having to call somebody.  Seriously now, if somebody with a 6-week plumbing degree can outsmart me and the power of Google, then I've failed as a man.

838. Good friends.  Yeah, yeah, let's not get all sentimental and weepy and shit now.  But good friends are hard to come by, and I'm thankful for those who stick by me.


839.  Grocery stores with self checkout lines.  Fuck human interaction.

840.  Our local crazy man who rides a bicycle and yells expletives when we drive by him.  He's got a beard and long socks and stains on his clothes.  I think I love him.

841.  Conspiracy theories.  I like to play it off like I'm a level-headed dude, but when you read an article on some website WITH CONVINCING VIDEO about neo-con dinosaur-banging Space Nazis from another dimension, you can't help but be intrigued.

842.  Babies.  Their tears give me strength. 

843.  Yann Tiersen.  If somebody were to ask me who my favorite musicians were, I likely wouldn't list him.  But you have to respect a man who plays multiple instruments with so much passion that it makes him sweat profusely on stage.

844.  Vin Diesel.  See above.

845.  Galimimuses.  Kings of the dinosaur world.


846.  Public restrooms that are well-kept.  Never underestimate the power a good janitor can have on your psyche.

847.  Vin Diesel.  Because without him there would be no Riddick.

848.  Vin Diesel.  Because without him there would be no Riddick.  Not a double-post.  I just wanted to hammer the point home. 

849.  This was originally "yoga pants" but Natalie got self-conscious about her big vagina.  Number 24 is now Vin Diesel.  Again, see above.

850.  Shit, pizza isn't on here yet?  THE LAST THING IS PIZZA.  Ask anyone, I'll eat pizza any day of the week.  I'm like Michelangelo in that respect (the ninja turtle, not the painter).  If there were a number 26 it would be Ninja Turtles now that I think of it.  But there is no number 26.  So disregard that.  But let's face it, Ninja Turtles are pretty fuckin' cool.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was Sir Matt or Baby King as we call him around these parts. Can you see why we love him? He adds a wonderful mix of smart-ass, dry humor and kindness to our lives and we couldn't ask for a better guy. We've had our ups and downs, but we've found a solid, life-long friend in him. And even though no one is perfect, he has been lucky enough to find his soul's match in Natalie. We can't wait ot see where their life together goes and we're so honored that we get to be a part of it! 

Dustin and Matt have been friends since either middle school or freshman year (I can't remember) and I since we all love each other (and I will be forgiven), I have a few pictures to share. Ohhhhh yeah.

(Matt is going to KILL me for posting this one. BUT! It was just proof of number 836 and his love of puppies.)

(Sixteen years old at TacoBell. Oh, those were the days. Just kidding... I like today a lot more!)

(High school at lunchtime. These were THE guys, minus a few people.  Notice Dustin's glasses? Yeah... he wore those INSIDE all the time. My mystery man.)

(During a Dungeons and Dragons session the year after we graduated.)


(Yep.. I made the boy's clothes for the Renaissance Faire. We all had tennis shoes on! Newbs.)

 
We love you, Matt! 

 

 

Comments

[Fiona]

Yes. Yes. Yes.

[Little Gray Pixel]

Hilarious. Love it.

[natalie]

<3 the love of my life!

[natalie]

also i'm saving all these pics so i can oogle at them later.

[Diane]

Ok, I love this post!! haha!

[allie o'bannon]

love this! his humor is absolutely awesome.

[Benjamin Hana]

You spelled "to" wrong, m'lady.

- Benjamin Hana, the offended former head of Benihana Japanese Sauce Kitchen who recently resigned due to the utmost Japanese offense of being slighted by his dear friend who deleted his comment which was fairly hilarious (especially if you're Japanese and understood the "whale toe" quip).

[Matthew Charles]

Benjamin Hana, I think I like you. Please continue to make delicious hibachi shrimp and your world-famous fried rice. In times like this, the world needs your leadership.

[Benjamin Hana]

Thank you, Matthew Charles. I am honored to hear these words from you.

- Benjamin Hana, recently reinstated CEO of Benihana Japanese Sauce Kitchen when he was rejuvenated by the kind words of the wise Matthew Charles.

[Angela]

By far my favorite thankful post :D