Sad Stephanie

Today I had an epiphany.

Holy shit, I think I'm depressed.

It all kind of makes sense now.

Ever since the Roman's birth, I've felt a little off, a little odd. I chalked it up to hormones and told myself to wait it out. Well, here I am 6 months later and in the last month, it's gotten worse. This blog is all about me sharing what's going on in my life and after asking around on Twitter and Facebook, a lot of Moms have suffered from some sort of depression or sadness. I have nothing to hide and if I can help anyone of you out there who are feeling off, than it was worth it to type all of this out. <3

 

Here's what I've been feeling:

I am anxious ALL the time. I used to feel a bit of relief after Dustin and Roman we're tucked into bed and I had the house all to myself. I use to look forward to that time of day to relax, blog, work on photos or whatever struck my fancy. I used to tell myself, "Just get through dinner," and then once the dishes had been done and we were plopped on the couch I would breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy my time. Now i kind of sit here and get so anxious that I'm misusing my time and feel so overwhelmed that I end up just going to bed and make my to-do list on my phone in the dark or mindlessly watching something Netflix or waste time looking up random crap on the internet and feel anxious about not getting enough sleep or I'll worry about the day to come. I usually do this until I'm too tired to think and fall asleep.

I get nervous about seeing friends. I feel anxious about having people over. I only want to see people when I've have time to mentally prepare myself and the though of someone "stopping by" makes my heart jump out of my chest.  I don't want to talk to many people, unless they are in need of help and only then does a switch flip in my brain and I can focus on someone else.  I wake up and feel  nervous about making dinner later that night. I get anxious looking at the pile of laundry or the kitchen floors or bathtub. I feel OVERWHELMED.  I get nervous when Roman seems like he's bored. I get anxious thinking about the things I have to do that day and feel like it's impossible to get them all done, even though the important ones always get done. I get nervous when when I go out with the baby or when I'm out by myself. I feel like panicking when things don't go as I planned during the day. I plan out when I'm going out each week with the baby and I, and I have to mentally prepare myself just to go to Target. I wake up and if things don't go exactly as I thought they would, the trip is most likely a no-go. That's weird, isn't it?

Having Dustin around at night and on the weekends REALLY helps soothe me, but it's not realistic to have him, you know, at home and not working all day long.Wine was helping, but I really am not a big drinker and my body is super sensitive to the effects of the alcohol.

I am constantly nervous that something bad is going to find it's way into my house hurt the baby. I feel like I'm in Momma Bear over-drive, always looking around every corner ready to pounce (wheelchair-ram-roll-pounce?) on the slightest thing that might want to harm my baby.

This is all on top of my constant fear of the cancer coming back. Someone recently told me that their biggest fear is that I live to be 90 and look back and realize that I never let myself really live because I was too scared. You know what? This is one of my biggest fears, too, but I have no idea how to fix it. It's very easy to say, "leave it to God" or "try not to think about it," but 95% of my day I am somehow reminded of what I've been through and where I'm at, so it's hard to forget. It's hard not to look down and notice my wheelchair or breathe and not notice the lung that's missing. It's hard to forget three years ago when I was fine one day and a month and a week later I was so ill that my Husband was told to prepare for my imminent death.

Mood swings. My mood swings can tip on a dime and the littlest thing can set me off in a rage or spin me in complete tears, or rocket me into utter happiness. It's almost like I can feel things for other people, but magnified.

For example, we put in Love, Actually (one of my favorites) and before the credits had finished, I was in total tears. I know what happens in that movie: a marriage, a death, love lost, a child loses his mother, betrayal, young love and it's like I could FEEL everything that I knew the characters would go through all at the same time. 

I pick fights about stupid things (and things that are important as well) with very little variation on how I handle myself. Meaning, my chest swells up and fills with anger over something huge that I believe in and stand for, as well as a dirty dish that should have been put away by the Mister, all with the same amount of fire. I usually snap myself right out of it, but the initial fire is just so hard to deflect.

I don't feel sad all the time. I would say, about 1/3 of each day I am low and sad, a 1/3 of the day I am high and happy and good and 1/3 of the day I feel absolutely nothing at all. About 80% of the whole day I feel anxious, nervous or uneasy. The worst part is the nervousness.

I'm constantly worried that everyone around me is angry with me. I feel like I'm being judged by EVERYONE (Dustin excluded - he's got a magical shield of deflection)  for every little decision, Tweet, personal stance, outfit, song I play and thing I do, and I get very defensive about it if questioned. I feel like I'm viewed as an unfit Mother and people are dying to turn me into the authorities, which is insane because I really am a kick-ass mother. Seriously, I'm pretty damn good. It's almost like, when "it" hits me, everything that I know about myself as a mother goes out the window and I feel as if I'm doing Roman a disservice by being his mother. Like I'm not good enough for him. Like I'm worthless. I feel guilty all the time. Sometimes the guilt is warranted because I've kind of been a bitch lately (not to Roman, that kid is my world), but other times, I have to wrack my brains as to WHY I'm feeling so guilty. It's so strange.

I control things. If I can have at least  the tiniest say in everything that goes on around me, it makes me feel a bit more like I've got a handle on things, but it's not a very pleasant thing for others to be around, I guess. To some extent, I've always been like this because I know what I want and I'm not afraid to stand up for it to anyone,  but I do need to loosen my grip a little.

I cry. I cry a lot. I cry like I did when I was pregnant and right after he was born - anything can set me off. Happy, sad, frustrating... all of it. Sometimes I look at him and just cry and cry, but I notice that HE'S starting to notice that I cry and I don't want to upset him. I'm sick of crying.

I feel mildly numb. Sometimes I just stare at the baby and feel numb. It doesn't last long but I hate it. I love my child, my Husband and my family so deeply with every ounce of me, but part of something in me has started to flicker a bit. One of my favorite movies, Riding In Cars With Boys, has a line that I've found myself referencing often:

"Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just means your heart's too big."  - Faye

Is my heart too big... or is something up with me?

 

What I'm NOT feeling / experiencing:

* I'm not nervous to be left alone with Roman. In fact, I get nervous to leave him alone with anyone except a select few people and it's then and only then that I feel like I can finally breathe and relax.

* I don't want to hurt him or myself.

* I do not neglect my child. My whole day revolves around his every squeal, laugh, cry, screech and scream. His needs and wants are my life.

* I don't drink during the day or when I'm alone with the baby. I won't even nap when I'm alone with the baby.

* I am not being abused by Dustin. I just thought I'd throw that out there incase someone might suggest that. Dustin catches spiders and lets them go outside... he'd never harm me or the baby. He's our super hero.

 

I emailed my doctor tonight, so we'll see what he says.
Who knows, maybe I'm just in a funk and I'll snap out of it any day.
I really, really hope I do.

And just so this isn't a completely dreary post, a few pictures of my handsome boy:

xo,
Violet

[This was really hard for me to write. Like I said above, I feel constantly judged, so please be nice to me. If you've got mean things to say, please just don't respond. Momma can't handle trolls right now.]

Comments

[Fiona]

Hey,

I'm normally more of a lurker here on your blog, but really wanted to just speak up and say that it sounds like you're making a massive step forwards in being analytical and thoughtful about these feelings. I'm not a mother, so I can't in the least imagine your scenario, but you speak so clearly and openly about your emotions and the way it's affecting you, which is not only incredibly brave, but also hopefully very beneficial for you (and for those around you who need to be supporting you right now).

I really hope your doctor can help you out, and clearly it'd be amazing if it were just a bad phase which might end any day now. But you owe it to yourself (as well as the gorgeous Roman) to do what it takes to enjoy life again.

With love,
Fiona

[Caitlin]

Hi beautiful, I can't speak from experience on any of this. Just wanted you to know that I'm so glad you're so aware of this issue and I wish you nothing but the best. I'm always here if you need to vent or talk or whatever! <3 sending you love!

[Kamika]

Hey hon, I had (and still have) post partum depression that kicked in about 4 months after Claire's birth. I am totaly here if you need anything at all, want to talk, need resources or information.

[pam]

Big hugs!!

that's really all i can offer.
xoxo

[Sarah]

Hi Stephanie,
I can totally relate to a lot of what you are going through. I have a 16 month old and I still sometimes feel a little off. For me, the real issues presented at night while I was trying to fall asleep. It was messing up my sleep and really messing with everything. I talked to my Dr. about it and she prescribed a low dose anti-anxiety before bed. It has really helped and I have a lot more "great" days now! Hope you find what works for you, soon!

[mommaruthsays]

I used that exact same quote just a few weeks ago to sum up how I've been feeling for so long towards my 6-month old daughter. It's hard to process, especially when you can't even figure yourself out. I know things will get better, and that's what gives me hope. I take the good days and the bad days and just do my best to learn everything I can from both.

One thing that comforts me the most is that I know my little lady won't ever be aware of any of this until I'm ready to tell her. She's not going to remember me crying or feeling insecure. There's still time to work on "me" before she's old enough to catch on.

[Tessa @ Tales of Two Girls]

I really admire you for being able to post so openly and honestly about how you're feeling. I can relate to a lot of it. I hope you are able to find something with your doctor to help out out. Take care.

[Judy (Keith's Mom)]

I totally understand, Violet. After I had Keith, things just didn't feel right.
I felt anxious and depressed, but slowly my mood improved. It lasted about six months or so. I wish I had told my doctor about it, but managed on my own with my husband's help. I just know, that with time, things will get better for you too. David and I wish you, Dustin, Roman and family a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

[P23]

I'm really sorry to hear you feel that way. Motherhood is hard, and yet you're also dealing with other health-related challenges on top of that! So doubly-hard.

What is great is how conscious you are of how you're feeling, and what's changed about you. I hope writing this post was cathartic and your Doc. can be a really great support to you.

xx P23.

[Julie]

It sounds like you're experiencing a mix of normal new mom stuff, normal Cancer survivor stuff and some PPD on top of it all. Anxiety absolutely sucks but there is help out there for ALL OF IT.

It's so good that you're being proactive about getting some help! You're already on the road to feeling better.

Kudos for you for your honesty!

[Natalie]

stephanie my sweet,
i want to throw this out there just in case... i would never judge you based on the decisions and feelings you have. you are YOU and nobody can change that about you. i am always here if you need to vent and get all your problems out. you know i love you no matter what you say. even if you told me i was a fat ugly ogre whore or something. i would still love you dearly. unconditional love is what i have for you and dustin and roman. please don't feel like i'm judging you, because whenever you confide in me, i take it to heart and would never condemn you for what you feel. THAT BEING SAID. i love you dearly my friend, and if you need a shoulder to cry on (literally or figuratively) i am here. :)
i know im not a mom yet but i would do anything for you to help you out and to help myself understand what you are feeling. i hope that you start to feel better... and if not, let me know so i can kick your sadness's ass. BAM.

love ya momma
-nat

p.s. i know this wasnt directed towards me, but i wanted to say it just in case you didnt know if you could talk openly with me. always here for ya, ma'am!

[Lane C.]

This totally strikes a chord with me. I hope you can find some answers with your dr. I am also a cancer survivor and have littles and I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the thought of what I have been though and what if it comes back. Who would love my babies like I do...I think I am trying to say, that is a normal reaction. What helps me is getting rest, where I can just relax and I have only been to that place with medication, meditation, and my life coach. (wow that sounds crazy) but I am in a better place now. Take care and your babe is beautiful!!!

[kathie]

i follow your blog and have never commented before. however, this post (how brave!) i can completely relate to. i suffered from post partum depression for about 2 years after my son was born. even though i know about ppd, i didn't know that's what i was suffering from. my anxiety was out of control. i didn't like people coming over, especially unannounced, i didn't leave my child with anyone for the first year he was born, and i had huge fits of anger where anything set me off. i felt like i could explode with anger at times. i was confused and scared because i honestly just thought i was going crazy (my poor husband!). it finally hit me one day that i wasn't crazy, i was suffering from ppd. i found a wonderful doctor who talked to me about everything, said i was having ppd and i am now on a low dose of an anti depressant. it's helped a ton but more that anything, i've had to learn how to listen to my body. i'm learning how to be in tune with myself. talking through things with friends and family has also helped.
the biggest step you can take (and you've taken it, yay!!) is noticing how you're feeling. get help, which you did by emailing your doctor. do what you feel is right for yourself. medicine isn't for everyone. just know that others have or are going through what you're going through and it is very common. motherhood is hard! on top of having this little person that you have to get to know, you have to take care of yourself too! i wish more women were more open about ppd. it's something that needs to be talked about. i hope you feel better soon! your son is a cutie!

[Giovanni]

Be strong and pray...
Kisses

[Nancy S]

Thank you so much for sharing everything. Your blog will definitely reach out to the hundreds of women who go through the same thing! Thank you so much for your strength and honesty. You will get through this!

[Dustin Clark]

Sun comes up and we start again.

[Kara]

Sweet girl, I am so sorry you are struggling with depression and anxiety. I think recognizing it and admitting it are HUGE steps towards recovery. I am praying that you get through this season quickly and that you soon feel light with joy and peace.

Hugs!

[hothug]

Merry christmas and happy new year!!!!!!

[Desiree Fawn]

I think you're moving mountains just by identifying some of these feelings and being open about them. And I love you for it.
Sometimes I don't want to share the crappy things on my blog, and I totally get you.

Lots of love mama, you're doing it all right. You rocks.

[Desiree Fawn]

*Rock ;)

[Leigh-Ann]

Roman, Dustin and all your friends and family are so lucky to have you in our lives(now and always)!!! We all love you and think you're really wonderful and loving!! I 110% believe you're the best mom for Roman and that he will have the most special life because of you. Truly :

Depression sucks but it isn't permanent-- you can get through this and it's good that you're not hiding it. You're so brave and I'm proud of you!! Resolutions are on the way and your big heart will carry you through :)

I'd love to Skype next week IF you want to... No pressure. We can do Sarah Palain impersonations and tell you stories :) I have a really funny new impersonation of my mom to show you ;)

Love you so much Violet!!!! Lala

[a]

ouch, i'm so sorry you are feeling this way. the best thing to do is to get some professional help! talking to a therapist will definitely help. i hope you feel better soon! xoxo