"Really Happy"

I want to thank everyone who commented here on the blog, on Twitter, Facebook and in "real" life about what's been going on with me. Even when I feel low, lower than the floor, I know that I can come here and share and still be loved. Thank you guys for making this place of mine such a wonderful one.

 

I had a phone conversation with my OB/GYN, and after talking a bit and discussing my blog post (I emailed her the link), we came to these conclusions:

I, in fact, do not have Postpartum Depression. I have a mild case of Postpartum Anxiety that is fueled by my need to prove that I am capable of being a good mother despite my handicap. In other words, I am freaking myself out trying to get everything done and control the things around me to show the world (or maybe just myself) that I am able. I am my own worst enemy, my hardest critic.

Honestly, just verbalizing all of the things that were floating around in my head and my heart lifted such a weight off of my shoulders. Having that "light bulb" moment and realizing that this is just a snippet, a moment in my life's time and I WILL feel like my self again, was like an elephant climbing off of my chest. I'm going to be okay. It's going to be okay.

   Things I need to tell myself more often:  

Dishes left in the sink all day (which makes me cringe just thinking about) does not equal an unhappy child.

One leg or two, one lung or two, I am a good mother.

At the end of the day, if my family is safe I am doing enough. I am good enough.

Dustin is trying his hardest. I am trying my hardest. Roman is trying his hardest.

My child is growing and is healthy and is amazing.

Being physically handicapped does not mean that I am maternally handicapped. I can love and give with one leg or no legs or 5 legs.

In the end, my life's length is in God's hands. I can take tonics and munch herbs and get radiation 'till my face turns blue, but it's His choice. I need to trust in that and fear my life less.

 

These things will not be easy for me to fully come to terms with and accept, especially giving up control and trusting God with my whole life.

It will be work. I'm up for it.

Xo,
Violet

p.s. ~ Guess which little big-head rolled over yesterday? I'm in love with his eyes - chocolate brown like Mommy in the center, olive gray like Daddy on the edges. <3

Comments

[mommaruthsays]

I'm glad to hear you're in a better space, it can make all the difference in the world when we're able to forgive ourselves and learn to love again. You're right, things will get better, all in good time.

[Chelsey The Paper Mama]

Things do get better. There will be bad days. BUT, remember it's ok. :)

[Kami Fasan]

Big big hugs mamma! You can get through this

[Caitlin]

So glad you have figured out what's been causing you the stress and anxiety, and so glad that you're telling yourself what a great mother you are. Because you're right, with 1 leg or 70 legs you'd still be a wonderful mom and a wonderful person. <3