My Truth About Breastfeeding.

I have always had a thing with boobs. A nice natural set of breasts was  a  sign of womanhood, of strength  and power, to me. They were like hidden weapons that a woman could use to her advantage should the need arise. I've never had a problem with the pair that I was born with, minus a desire to have them be a bit bigger when I was growing up - you know, always wanting what the other girls had. I wanted a nice chest so that Dustin could enjoy them (he's more of a butt guy, though), but my girls haven't really ever let me down.  I often times found myself uncomfortable with any kind of exposure from other women. No, not because I didn't want Bubby to see other chick's boobs, but because boobs had only ever been a sexual thing to me. It made ME uncomfortable to see a woman feed her child in public. Not because a baby eating was gross, but because I might see a nipple, and if you've ever been around a 13 year old boy, it only counts as seeing a boob if you see the cherry on top. Seeing another woman's breast was akin to being sexual with her, in my mind.

After the birth of Roman, it all changed. There is something about having a baby that completely melted that notion off the page of my book. When my baby is hungry and needs to eat,  my first instinct is to just offer myself. I'm not worried about it being "sexy" because my breasts just aren't about sex anymore. They're like a sandwich or an apple for my Squiddy.

[Feeding the Squid while Dustin and I were out eating dinner.]

I was talking to my friend Amber last night about being pregnant and breastfeeding, and I told her that breastfeeding is way more special to me than actually being pregnant. I was so scared the whole time that Squid was growing in my belly. I'm no good at the "blind faith" thing, and not being able to SEE that he was okay was so hard for me. Now that he's here, there is at least one moment each day where the whole world comes to a halt and it's just Squid and I - my feeding him with what God gave me and the two of us  finding peace in us just being close to the other. It's so much more magical than being pregnant, to me. Breastfeeding is a miracle. 

[Lunch on the front lawn.]

With that being said, it hasn't been easy for me. I have Hypothroidism, a condition where my thyroid is "under-active" and, among other things, can cause low milk supply for breastfeeding women. I do take medication for it, but I honestly don't have enough milk for my son. I usually have to supplement about 1 - 3 feedings a day with an organic formula. I hate that I have to do this. I wish so much that my breasts would just fill up every few hours and get achy and hard with generous amounts of milk. Reading about other women with new babies who are able to freeze extra milk or store bottles in the fridge for later, it  just makes me ache. Seeing Squid suck frantically when my supply is low makes me bawl. Having to give my boy formula because I can't provide enough makes me feel like a failure. Now, don't you get me wrong, I am SO thankful that I can even produce anything for him, and when I hear about women who are in my exact shoes (minus the thyroid dysfunction thing, not many people have it), the LAST thing I think of them is failure.  We're always the hardest on ourselves, right?

[Looking all hot and trying to choke down a yeasty beer in hopes of making more milk. I used a tortilla chip as a chaser. I also forgot that beer is made with wheat, and wheat hates me so not only did I gag on the beer,  I had a terrible tummy ache the next day.]

I have seen an awesome Lactation Consultant, I pump a few times a day (most days), take Fenugreek tablets three times a day, I tried the beer thing (gag), have tried taking a tincture called More Milk Plus (it gives me a terrible, lingering headache when I take it though. Had to stop), eat oatmeal, drink water, and have tried the Mother's Milk tea. I'm trying to find an OB/GYN who will work with me about the Hypothyroidism thing and do more tests to see if my meds need adjusting. I am beginning to think, though, that I'm just not destined to be a milky momma - one of the ladies who is able to breastfeed until their baby is 2 years old. Having a baby makes you realize just how hard the women before you had it. Makes you really appreciate your own Mother, that's for sure. Could you imagine a time when, if you didn't make enough milk and there wasn't anyone around to "donate", your baby would die?

As hard as not having enough milk has been on me, I don't think it's had much of an effect on Roman. He still prefers to be breastfed over bottle fed. He still cuddles and coos when I breastfeed him. I'm sure that some breastmilk is better than none and I (most of the time) feel like I'm doing all that I can to facilitate milk making. When it comes down to it, and even though my heart hurts a little because I feel like it's yet another failure on my body's part, I have a healthy, beautiful, living child.

That's the goal, right?

 

 

Comments

[Sonja]

Breastfeeding is totally awesome. So happy for you and Roman that you're able to make it work.

Don't feel guilty about supplementing - you do what you need to do to have a healthy baby and a healthy mama. Don't forget that if you try too hard and exhaust yourself that you're not doing him any favors that way either! Myself, I've had to supplement for at least one feeding per day with my son while someone takes him for me to nap. I have epilepsy and need more sleep than most people in order for my brain to, y'know, NOT CRAP OUT ON ME, so the nap is totally non-negotiable. Supplementing is what works for us to keep me healthy and the little man fed. :)

[Anna]

this is lovely, and I'm so glad you're loving breastfeeding even if it hasn't been perfect. I'm 28 weeks pregnant now and I really, really hope I'll love it too.

[TraceCub]

All my love, Steph. I know what you are feeling all too well.

My milk never came in. Levi didn't like to latch and didn't like being manipulated into all the different positions to try to encourage him to latch properly. I struggled with the pump for 8 weeks, bawling the whole way (I swear it was taunting me with it's rhythmic chants of "you-suck. you-suck. you-suck."). The most I ever got in a session was 2.5 ounces. I was surrounded by friends who were succeeding and storing and actually *donating* their freezer stash and oversupply.

I struggled with the feelings of failure for ages. While I knew that formula is not the Demon Spawn many would have you believe, I felt like I was failing myself and my son by not being able to feed him as nature intended. I thought he'd suffer from poor health, allergies, unnecessary weight gain, ear infections and wouldn't enjoy the varied tastes that breastmilk offers, sticking him with a lifetime of bland foods - in short all the things the anti-formula camp tells you *will* happen. And you know what? He's not fat, he's healthy and enjoys spice/flavor in his food.

You know why? Because I am a good mother. And you are, too. Roman will benefit from your persistence to offer as much of yourself as you can, regardless of whether it's physical (breast milk) or emotional (love). You have done wonderful to make it this far.

In the meantime, the only thing I *can* offer as something to consider is the pump. Have you tried pumping between feedings? Because Roman has established a certain level of demand on your supply, it might be worth a shot to rent a pump for a month and pump in between his feedings to try to stimulate a boost in your supply.

Take heart, Steph. I know two women, personally and in real life, who overcame huge odds in their breast feeding relationship. One weaned, baby led, around two years old. The other one is still actively nursing at 26 months old. Even if you can't solely breastfeed him, you very well might be able to maintain your relationship well beyond what you think you will. :)

[Michelle]

Steph you're doing a great job with Roman. Breastfeeding was wonderful for my 2. I loved that peaceful time with just me and my baby. I was able to feed with out supplementing but didn't have a ton of support from our families for my choice which made it hard. (Neither my mom or MIL had been able to breastfeed and so didn't really think I'd be able to either.) I hated having to pump so that they could be fed while I was at work but I did it just for my babies. I made it a little less than a year and a half for each of them before my supply shut off. I was sad when it was over but then you move on to other mothering adventures.

[Caitlin]

I agree that breastfeeding is such a miracle of nature. I don't have children but still, pretty amazng if you think about it for a second.

My sister-in-law developed breast cancer a few years ago and ended up having a double mastectomy with reconstruction. It was a huge adjustment for her because breasts are, as you said, one of the many ways we define what a "woman" is. I think it's also difficult for her that she'll never be able to breastfeed and I can't imagine how frustrating that would be.

Also, my sister couldn't make enough milk for her daughter too...sometimes our bodies work in mysterious ways, but it doesn't mean you've failed or that you love Roman any less. :) He'll love you as his mama no matter what, and as long as he's healthy he'll be happy.

I'm glad to be reading more of your writing, hope you write more soon :)

[Little Gray Pixel]

The pressure to exclusively breastfeed makes nearly EVERYONE feel guilty, I think. There are bloggers and moms online who do it, but the overwhelming majority of women are not able to do it or sustain it for longer than six months. There are a lot of things working against us.

I was one who cried every day because I was not making enough milk to exclusively breastfeed. Baby girl was falling asleep at the breast, eating slowly, never taking enough for me to produce what she needed. But I never had time to pump because she was CONSTANTLY at the breast. I had to supplement, and H will tell you how guilty I felt (as previously mentioned, I cried buckets).

I was able to nurse several times a day up till four months, when I had to return to work and pump. The milk quickly dried up afterward. I never was able to create a frozen stash. I felt like a failure.

But now that my mind is clear and the hormones are leveled out I can see it for what it was. And my baby girl bonded with me through nursing and got SOME breast milk every single day for four months.

Be proud of what you're able to give Squiddy. Every little bit helps, and he will thrive on formula, too. When or if your milk dries up, cherish those extra moments to laugh with him and play with him instead of feeding him. They're just as precious as the nursing bond, believe me.

You're doing great, mama.

[Kristin W]

I know absolutely nothing about mothering or breast feeding, but simply reading the number of ways you've tried to gain more milk is just a testament to how much of a caring, loving mother you are. You are great, Steph. And Roman loves you, and your boobs, as much as his little heart can. <3

[kc]

Can you see an endocrinologist as well as your obgyn? A lot of the time, TSH levels need to be quite low in the therapeutic range to get supply up. It may mean a bit of a trial with dosing. Also, have you tried domperidone? It's an anti-nausea drug which is a galactologue (makes you lactate). It may not be specifically indicated for increasing supply in the US (its commonly used in Australia), but worth a shot! Remember, even if you have to supplement, every breastfeed is doing him good!

[Dessiree]

My mom looooves beer but tries to stay away from wheat beers. In my quest to please her I've found this beer http://www.bevmo.com/Shop/ProductDetail.aspx?ProductID=31975 which is made from sorgham and it's truly super yummy. But something tells me it's the wheat in beer that helps produce breast milk? That doesn't make much sense to me, or is it the yeast? At any rate, if you ever want a wheat free beer I highly suggest St. Peter's Sorgham beer.

[Natalie]

I've never been pregnant but read about these on another blog - Mommy Cookies - although there is wheat so I don't know if it'd be worth the belly aches...

http://frecklesinapril.blogspot.com/2010/11/recipe-mommy-cookies.html

[Rae Veda]

You're an amazing mama. I can't tell you how much I admire you for the strength you have after all you've been through. Keep up the great work, Violet!

xo, rv

http://aneclecticheap.blogspot.com/

[Amy Benkard Rose]

I read that the beer trick is a myth and that it works against you. You can read it here:

http://www.babycenter.com/404_is-it-true-that-drinking-beer-increases-a-breastfeeding-moms_10303158.bc