Yesterday my distant cousin passed away. She was 22 years old and beautiful. Her life was ripe and her future bright, yet, for some reason, she was meant for earth no longer.
She also had the SAME exact cancer that I've struggled with. Osteosarcoma, or bone cancer.
Her story was a little different than mine in that her cancer metastasized (tumors that pop up in addition to the "big" tumor) in more spots than mine had ever had, and she was a bit older than I was the first time she was diagnosed. They say the longer it takes between recurrence (hers came back once after the initial diagnosis), the better the prognosis, or survival outcome. Her cancer came back a year after the first find - mine was ten years, then two years. I've had cancer four times and am still living. She had it twice and is no longer on Earth.
My heart doesn't understand why things work like this.. why some live and some die so young. My heart hurts as I type this and Dustin and Roman's beautiful faces peek at me via the picture on my desktop.. She won't have that. She will never have have a baby. She will never be pregnant or married or a Mother, and those realities have bruised a piece of my soul so deeply.
I am lucky.
I am so damn lucky.
I am scared.
I want to be this little boy's mother for the next 50 years.
I don't want cancer to take that away from me.
I am thankful.
Every little sneeze, farty fist clench, scream inducing bath and calm 3 a.m.feeding, all of it is a total gift from God. I am eternally grateful for what I've been blessed with.
...I just don't want it to go away.
Please God, please let me be this boy's Momma and this man's Wife for the next 50 years.
So sorry to hear about your cousin...may she rest in peace. And I wish you, Dustin and Roman a long, long, happy life together. <3
Posted by: Caitlin | 07/19/2011 at 07:22 AM
My heart hurts for you. and your family. I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling right now.
Posted by: Darlene | 07/19/2011 at 07:22 AM
Hugs, so sorry to hear about your cousin's passing. I hope you and Roman and Dustin have many happy years together.
Posted by: Michelle | 07/19/2011 at 07:26 AM
Violet, I have these fears all the time, almost every day. And I've never even faced anything like cancer. Death is such a scary part of life for me, and if I let myself dwell on it, I almost become incapable of doing anything else.
I want so badly to live, and to have babies, and stand beside the man I love while we watch our kids grow up and our hairs turn grey.. If I can't have anything else in life, I'd die happy to just have lived a full, long, meaningful life with the ones I love the most.
Posted by: Joyful Sparrow | 07/19/2011 at 08:00 AM
I'm so sorry for your hurt. We are lucky.
Posted by: sparkling scribbler | 07/19/2011 at 08:04 AM
This had to hit home to you way more than to anyone else in your family. I totally understand it bringing up fears, but I am so honored to read all your grateful quotes too! You are an amazing woman Stephanie. Noone but you and God will ever really understand all you have been through. I'm glad you are getting to be a mommy, and I'm glad that you reminded me just how fortunate I am to have been a mommy and wife for as long as I have. And like you I hope that continues for quite sometime, because now I hope to be a granny! LOL I watch my mom who is almost 94 and think about how much love and sorrow she has had in her life and think I wonder if I will be chosen to live such a long life too. I'm sorry for your cousin and her families great loss. Only God understands why some die young, I can't even fathom it.
Posted by: Cindy | 07/19/2011 at 08:05 AM
I've got a minor case of the cries after reading this at work and had to escape to the bathroom for a few minutes :( I'm very sorry to hear about your cousin and second the emotion of the others in wishing you and your family a long time together.
Posted by: Gillian | 07/19/2011 at 08:14 AM
my aunt also died from that..it was a bone marrow cancer? i think..one day she stubbed her toe and it broke and never healed..she went to the doctor and they told her she had a few months to live..it was pretty scary..i'm also afraid that someday i may be diagnosed..im sorry to hear about ur cousin..may she rest in peace..and i pray that u continue to be showered with blessings..u deserve it!
Posted by: michele | 07/19/2011 at 08:22 AM
Those pictures are worth so many words. I too am sorry to hear of your cousin. I am so glad you are a mama to this little boy and hope and pray you have so many many years with them both. *hugs*
Posted by: Amanda | 07/19/2011 at 08:22 AM
So, so, SO much love to you.
It's what we all want - a long life with our families. Not all of us get it and you're so wise to have the insight that life is so very, very precious. Any of us could be gone tomorrow, and you just can't think about that too hard all the time or your heart gets so heavy.
So very sorry for your loss and so very happy for you that you have your beautiful family to comfort you.
Posted by: Sonja | 07/19/2011 at 08:26 AM
I am so sorry to hear about your cousin. If you need anything let me know. xoxox
Posted by: oh shoot | 07/19/2011 at 08:51 AM
So sorry you are hurting. Lots of love to you and your family.
Posted by: Sara | 07/19/2011 at 11:17 AM
love you sweetie... big big hug :( love you
Posted by: Leigh-Ann | 07/19/2011 at 12:26 PM
(((Violet))). So sorry to hear about your cousin.
Posted by: Little Gray Pixel | 07/19/2011 at 03:22 PM
I sometimes fear for the future too Violet. I want so badly to be a mother, and sometimes i wonder if it would be too much weight on my heart. But looking at the love you have now i would have to say it looks worth it.
Posted by: Rheyanan-lee | 07/19/2011 at 08:34 PM
Such a heart wrenching and beautiful post, thank you for sharing your heart so raw-ly.
Posted by: Emily | 07/20/2011 at 12:18 PM
I am so sorry to hear about your cousin.
I've been out of the blog loop a bit recently. I happened upon this post and it has literally taken my breath away. The second I finish typing this I am going to give thanks for every good thing in my life, and pray for 50 or more years of the good things in your life.
Much love...
Posted by: Jo | 07/22/2011 at 05:20 PM