Just A Little

My amazing Doula, Michelle, came over last night for our 2nd to last appointment before Squid comes. I thought it was the last, but she's going to come over again once more a few days before my due date, if I make it that far.

With Squid's small size, my Doctor, Dr. J., has had me doing these Non Stress Tests (NSTs) twice weekly to make sure that his heart is okay and that he's responding like a healthy baby should. To date, he has passed everyone of the NSTs with flying colors. He's a champ already

                                                            [At Monday's NST]

Why the continued NSTs, you're  asking?  They are worried that he's not growing "big enough", according to averages, for one of four reasons:

1) There's something genetically wrong with him. (Which we've pretty much ruled out)

2) My body isn't good at absorbing what I'm eating due to my Whipple Procedure, and Squid isn't getting all that he needs from me, hence the small size. (Which is possible)

3) There is something wrong with my placenta or his cord, which is preventing him from getting what he needs even though my body IS able to provide it (oxygen, nutrients, etc). (Which, according to the cord scans, is not the case)

4) He's just a small baby. Some small Moms have small babies. (What we're hoping for)

[Big for me, but pretty small for 37.5 weeks!]  

I asked Dr. J. what he though the birth might go like and he gave me two scenarios:

1) If Squid still isn't growing "enough" when I get an ultrasound next Thursday, he will schedule me for a c-section a.s.a.p.

2) If Squid IS growing, I'll keep going to the twice weekly NSTs and Dr. J. will induce me at 39 weeks.

In talking with Michelle last night, we went over all three situations: natural labor, c-section and being induced.

I really, REALLY want it to happen naturally. I don't want to have surgery. I've had my fair share of being cut into, anaesthesia, I.V.s, mask covered nurses, iodine covered body parts and staples. It makes me anxious just thinking about it. I'm a planner, I like to know how things will go.

Being induced almost guarantees that I'll need an epidural, an I.V. and will be stuck to the bed with a NST machine on my belly the whole time. The contractions are sudden and strong, not gradual like natural labor, and the pain can be relentless. With inductions usually comes narcotic pain relievers which can (and do) effect both me the baby. This is often a slippery slope that leads into a C-section, so we're back to the surgery route.

I don't want to be a patient, attached to an I.V., with a blood pressure cuff suffocating my arm. I don't want to be tethered to a bed, with an ugly gown, the machines beeping. I really DON'T want that. It makes my heart hurt just thinking about it. It reminds me of being bald and being pumped with chemo drugs and feeling like a caged animal.

[2005. My self proclaimed "glow worm" phase.]

Of course, that's the selfish, slightly traumatized side of me, and I want you all to know that I will do whatever needs to be done to get this baby into the world safe and sound. I would fillet a bunny if it meant that he'd be born all right. I'd join the circus or tattoo monkey butts all over my body. I'd eat nothing but peas for a year or clip Dustin's toenails with my teeth. I'd give away our car or never wear makeup again or shave my head for the rest of my life if it meant that he'd be okay. I will face my fears and allow myself to be cut into and stapled up and poked with needles and drugged all for him. It's all for him.

I'm just a little scared.

Comments

[Miranda]

I hope hes just a small baby and that you can have a natural labor. I'm a planner too, and I hate not knowing how things will go.

Hope your ultrasound goes well :)

[Kelsey Rosie]

You are going to do awesome, Miss Violet. Fear is normal, and not selfish at all. Take it from me, the biggest worry wart around. I'll be praying for you the whole time you are in labor for a smooth and natural delivery!

xoxoKelsey.

[lauren]

you are a doll. good wishes! xoxo

[Julie]

Ugh, waiting stinks. Not knowing what's going to happen stinks! Mama - it's all good practice for raising a child and you're doing great! I hope it goes just the way you want.

P.S. I was induced with Pitocin and didn't have an epidural. If you absolutely have to be induced, don't sell yourself short - I'd be willing to bet that you'd be able to do it!

[Eliza]

Ooh Violet...I so understand your visceral dislike of all things medical, and yet you are so brave as to know that when it's needed, it's needed. Sending you loads of good vibes!

Love, Eliza

[pam]

you are lovely.

[Caitlin]

You always speak your mind and feelings so eloquently, Violet. I know your fear is strong now but hang in there...we're all pulling for you, Dustin and the wee babe :)

[Joyful Sparrow]

You're such a brave woman. Thinking thoughts of strength and peace for you today.

[Sonja]

Well, I certainly hope you don't have to tattoo monkey butts on your person!

I had similar fears about being induced, even though I don't have the same experience with surgery. One of my biggest concerns was that this is my first baby - but he's certainly not going to be my only. I didn't want the experience of having a c-section and then being in the position of having to choose between a c-section and a (slightly risky) VBAC the second time. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and my OB's standard procedure was to induce at 39 weeks, but my baby measured small and they let me go another week - I went into labor naturally at 39weeks 3days.

My baby was small, too. In my case, I had a marginal case of gestational diabetes and the diet that they put me on did *too good* of a job controlling his weight. He was 6lbs 14oz at birth and is still small in the weight department despite being quite long for his age. I hope that this is the case for Squiddy as well!

Wishing you both the best of luck for a healthy birth!

[Michelle]

Hugs along with continued good thoughts and prayers for you. Some babies are just small, both of mine were 6lbs 8oz. I'm hoping that that's the case with squiddy. Both of them have stayed on the small side since then although at 6 Adam is finally starting to come closer to "average" in the size department. You'll be a wonderful mama. There will always be something to worry about with kids. :)

[Megan Y]

that last paragraph!! this little boy is so lucky <3

[Amanda]

Yup. It is a little daunting, but for the most part our bodies know exactly what they are doing and all will be just great *HUGS*

[Kamika]

HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!!!!! Thinking of you hun, lots and lots. I hope you get your wish....and I think you look BEAUTIFUL in the bikini belly picture

[Carey]

You and Squid are doing amazing!
I thought I would add a little encouragement on the induction front. I absolutely was against it, and thought the same as you that induction = unbearable labor, drugs, and possible c-section. But it did not turn out that way at all... 12 hours of labor, 27 minutes of pushing all drug free. I also know of 3 other women from my birth class that were induced and were able to labor and birth pain med free. So it is possible. Either way your little guy will be here soon and that is oh so exciting!
Lots of happy, healthy wishes for you two!

[Alivia]

Oh, Love. This post fills me with so much pride. I'm so proud I know you, even if it is just through your blog. You are SO STRONG, and lovely and honest and a whole bunch of other really beautiful things. I know you're going to be great through labor and throughout his life! It's okay to be scared! You're allowed!!

[Little Gray Pixel]

I know how you feel. I was there, too. When my OB asked what my birth plan was, I said, "No C-section." Well, guess what happened? That's right, a C-section. I hope you get your natural birth. But if you don't, from one woman to another, the prep for the surgery and the procedure itself is super quick. You will have your baby in your arms within 20 minutes. You will be in your room with your new baby within the hour, and you will have nurses waiting on you hand and foot for the next few days. When you go home, you might even miss that treatment! I know there's a lot to be worried about, but hopefully this makes the prospect seem less scary to you. Hugs.

[Angela]

I certainly understand your fears. I hoped for a natural birth to but my baby girl had other plans. I ended up being a week overdue and had to be induced. Obviously everyone has different experiences and pain tolerance levels, but my experience was not that bad. I was on pitocin at 7:30AM and my contractions came on gradually and got stronger as they increased the dose. They really didn't hurt much at all until they broke my water, which I had done an hour before I requested an epidural. I received the epidural and had no pain whatsoever after that. I ended up having a c-section at 8:30PM because her heart rate was dropping with contractions. The c-section was not as scary as I thought it would be I had a great anesthesiologist and my husband sat by my side the whole time. I was only away from my girl for maybe 15 minutes and then they let me hold her as much as I wanted after that. It went much smoother than I thought and in the end I knew no matter what birth experience I had the most important thing was a healthy baby. I can't possibly understand everything you feel as I've not had cancer, but Mom to Mom if you keep your eye on the prize of having a healthy baby, and let the doctors help you make informed decisions, the type of birth you have won't be important to you because you'll have that wonderful baby!

[beth Moore]

I had cancer too and when you have kids you have to forget about you and what you had. Your story doesnt matter anymore you are just mom now. Your story is about them. Stop focusing on cancer this hospital that and focus on the fact that you are a mother.

[Sammie]

I have to tell you, you are my favorite blog. No matter if I am having a good day or bad day I know I can come here and smile. I have faith that you will get through this and little Squiddy will be born happy and healthy! I suffer from a host of medical issues and seeing your story truly gives me hope! I really would like to know you better, I don't have many friends. I will post my email, please contact me!
rosieskullx AT g-m-a-i-l dot com!

[procrastination mama]

Hey girl,

I'm sure it will all work out fine. No.1 with me i was induced at 13 days over. Asked for totally the least inducing they could do...gel stuff in your noo nah! Didn't let them break my waters as again wanted to stay au naturel and with as little intervention as possible. Had total natural hypnobirthed in the bath labour. Did have to be monitored but also just had gas and air...be strong and positive it you get this route ...It's all in your head and try not to let them jack you up with a drip straight off...i know they are a little more gung ho in the States but it's worth the conversation.
P.S Just gas and air...all good.

No. 2 At home, 2 weeks late again, homebirth, in the pool but got stuck and had a shoulder dystocia. Mildly traumatic. He was 10lb 11.5 oz. Still just gas and air...
All ok after a little help out!

This time...Measuring too big. Going in on Mon for a scan to see and get a date for maybe an induction or C Section if it really needs to come out asap. Total opp of you my lovely but neverthe less the message is don't be scared of induction if its needed. It can totally be done natural if that's what you want ...and i guess your body wants to co operate!

Still a section will be such a totally different experience for you that will bring happy things not sad that even if it all goes tits up you'll still end up the happiest girl in the world...hopefully without the monkey tattoos!

Good luck. I think we could even deliver on the same day? You never know! xx

[gloria king]

Oh Violet I am sending you a big hug lots of white light and love...

[allison]

These are lovely words - thank you for sharing them. I hope hope hope for you and the Squid that everything goes as easily as possible.

[tassie]

you know what I've noticed?? Where are the stretch marks???