(1 + 1 = 3) What I Didn't Want

Last Monday I had to have a Non-Stress test (NST) done (I get them done twice weekly now), and since it was a holiday, the clinic where I usually see Dr. J. was closed. I had to go into the Labor and Delivery ward in the actual hospital and boy, was it an experience.

We arrived at our appointment on time, checked in (I had to wear a hospital bracelet -- it was considered an "out-patient" procedure) and Bub and I waited in the waiting room. It was pretty dead in the hospital - quiet and eerie. There was nobody around and Bub was in a mood for some reason (I can't even remember why). An odd feeling arose in my chest, but I couldn't quite place it.

When the nurse, who was named (Leigh-Ann, if you're reading this, I'm winking at you.) Judy, took us into this area called "the Triage." It was a small room, maybe 10 feet by 10 feet with an attached bathroom. A gurney lay in the middle and there were lots of baby/mommy testing machines by the bed.

The nurse who did my test was bubbly and kind, but I still couldn't shake the "off" feeling that I had. She had me undress and put a gown on, something that I NEVER have to do in the clinic for a routine NST. She hooked me up to the machines, one to find and record Squiddy's heartbeat, and the other to detect when/if I had a contraction or when/if Squid moved. She gave me one of those brown hospital socks, gave Dustin the other, "In case my foot got cold and he wanted to double it up for me." She covered me in a white, crisp, hospital scented sheet-blanket and then started the test, the wooshing of Squiddy's heart filled the room with noise. The best noise, but I still couldn't shake my odd feeling. Next, she asked me some questions. Yup, I was still allergic to the same drugs, still missing the same body parts. Check, check.

Miss Nurse, who, to give her credit, was really very nice, told me that even though the test had been on for about 15 minutes and Squid had already passed it, she needed to step out and set up another patient.  She said she would be back to check on me in a few minutes.

Over an hour passes.

The whole time, the machine was strapped to my belly. I was having one of those "growing pain" days, so I  was not enjoying it to say the least. Every time Squid would move, he'd push against the machine. I was also on my back, which is my number one most uncomfortable position (it makes me light-headed), so it was not awesome feeling. Dustin was tired, so he took a little nap in the bedside chair and I tried to as well, but I just couldn't get comfortable. I stared off into space. Gazed at the picture-collage of babies who had been delivered that that they had plastered on the wall across from me. Looked at the machine and Squid's little paper results. Looked at the giant re-fill sized bag of blue belly-jelly that was on the counter. Looked down and saw me, with a bracelet on my wrist, a faded gown on my body and a sterile looking blanket across my legs. 

And then it hit me.

I've been here before.

*tears fall down my cheeks*

I've been stuck to a bed, machine making noise, unfamiliar smelling blanket on my lap while wearing a generic hospital gown.  I've done this before...  forcing myself to do something that I didn't want to do with the hope that it will bring good.

  (2005)

 This was EXACTLY what I didn't want my pregnancy to be like. I didn't want to feel like a patient, like I was being treated for some illness. I didn't want to wear the gown and the cheap sock and be surrounded by the beeping machines. I didn't want to be tethered to a bed, left alone in the room by the nurse. I didn't want this.

Bubby woke up and didn't seem phased by my crying (it's a daily event around these parts). I whimpered that I was scared and didn't like feeling like a patient. His demeanor changed and he held my hand and then got pissed when he realized how long we'd been there. His love, I swear, keeps me going. 

The nurse came in shortly afterwards, unhooked me from the machines and told me that I was free to go once the doctor popped in and checked the read-out of Squid's test.

The results:

He is perfect.
He's already acing tests and he's not even born yet. :)

After I got dressed and we waited in the little room for our send-off, I started feeling immediately better.

I was free.

Me and the little boy in my belly were no longer patients, we were just us. Healthy heartbeats and all. I love him so much. SO very much.

I love this clown, too.

  

Comments

[Miranda]

I'm so glad that squiddy is doing well. I hope that you dont have that patient feeling with the rest of your pregnancy or delivery.

[Joyful Sparrow]

Sounds like a very rough few hours you had. I can't imagine what that particular feeling of dejavu must be like. I'm glad you're ok, and that the little guy is ok, and that Dustin is still making you giggle. All good signs. *Hugs*

[Amanda]

Ughhhh. That sucks that you got stuck in there for so long. >.< I'm glad baby is passing his tests with flying colours :) :)

[Julie]

My heart ached reading this post. History is such a powerful thing. But you know what? The new memories you create when you bring your beautiful boy into the world are going to kick all those crappy hospital memories asses!

[Dustin Clark]

That was the longest Non-stress test ever. Thank you, Wifey, for capturing my beyond-my-normal-time-limit-in-a-small-hospital-room behavior on video.

[Kelsey Rosie]

You are an amazing lady. I hope you know that :).

[Katie]

Voilet,
Hospitals are in general pretty awful places. Usually understaffed & sometimes staffed with some not so caring people. Even in the baby section they always seem to give me a yucky feeling like somethings gonna happen that I'm not gonna like or just makes me uncomfortable. I'm sorry you had to go through that awful deja vu.
When I was pregnant with my son & we had some complications I didn't know any better but to just do as the drs & nurses said but afterwards there were a few things that didn't sit with me & although they are the professionals it's your body & baby. I've learned now to question things, get second opionions & trust my instincts rather than suffer in silence.
At the end of the day I have a beautiful, happy, healthy two year old & all of our 'problems' are behind us but the trials of the early days remain with me & have made me a stronger & I think better person. I'm sure all your past hospital experiences as well as those that your about to journey into having a baby have & will too.