Hope, Fear and The Son

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This pregnancy, so far, has been hard on me in more than just the "normal" aches and pains way. It's brought light to many different things about being a Mother that I hadn't thought about before.

Roman will eventually learn that his mom is different.

• I hope that he won't be angry with me for being different. 

• I hope that we can raise him to be compassionate and understanding and the other kids won't tease him because his mommy has one leg and is in a wheelchair. Also, that his Mommy has scars and is missing a lung and is constantly wheezy and asthmatic.

• I hope it doesn't bother him that Momma won't be able to chase him around the park like other Moms do or that he won't be embarrassed when I park in a handicapped spot.

• I hope he digs my wheelchair. Free rides!

• I hope I never run over his toes.

• I hope he never catches my fear of the cancer that may someday decided to re-populate my body.

• I hope he never understands the anxiety that rushes through me each time I have a scan.

• I hope he never knows how sad it makes my soul to know that I could be gone before he is in Kindergarten.

• I hope there never comes a point where Bubby and I have to sit him down and explain that Mommy is sick and will be going to live with God.

• I hope I won't beat myself up when he needs help with his homework and I have no clue how to do it.

• I hope I can teach him how to drive (Yup, I drive an automatic with my left foot!).

• I hope I get to hold his hand when some little strumpet breaks his heart for the first time.

• I hope I get to adjust his tie before he heads out to prom.

• I hope I'm there when he gets married so we can figure out how to do the Mother/Son dance with me in my chair.

• I hope I get to hold my Grandbabies.

 

I  HOPE.

 

 

 

(A vote for hope?)

Comments

[Ali Hillaby]

You are going to be awesome! I love that you hope all those things! Roman is going to LOVE YOU, because you are his MOM! Can't wait to see the little fellow.

[Cassie]

Although I am not a mother or a mother-to-be I can imagine how this new role can be overwhelmingly scary, especially when you have fears that keep creeping up. Be strong mama. You'll be great and that kid is going to have so much fun and be surrounded by so much love.

Congratulations!

[Abigail Olsen]

I don't know you Violet but I confess I read your blog on my lunch at work, I think I found you through Dearbaby.

I have a 7 year old little one and a son on the way in August.

Today your blog made me cry. Fear, it is such a gift. Most of the hopes that you have I share. I have never had cancer (knock on wood) however please know that your son will love you JUST the way you are and never be embarrassed.

So many moms go through the motions of motherhood without realizing how VERY precious they are.

But not you my dear :)
<3
Abbey

[Snow_White_Raven]

Steph all I can say is.. Hugs. We are all here for you and understand your fears. I hope that everything you wish and hope for happens for you and Roman.

[Caitlin]

This was beautifully written, and so honest. I'm a childhood cancer survivor myself and while I only lost my kidney (and it never functioned anyway), I can understand to some extent your fear. I'm positive that your son will grow up to be loving, tolerant, and compassionate, and will appreciate all you give him. I can already tell, without knowing you and just from reading your words, how much he means to you, and when you get down to it that's what matters to a child.

Sending you lots of love, good thoughts, and good wishes.

[Stacey Ball]

Oh, you are going to be a wonderful mommy and from the bottom of my soul I know this boy is going to love you more than anyone else.

[Jamie]

You are SUCH a strong, amazing woman.

[Julie]

I can tell that you have so many beautiful, tremendous gifts to offer your little boy. Most have absolutely nothing to do with fear, or scars, or lost limbs, or Cancer but some do. The wonderful thing is that all of those gifts are unique to YOU and you are the only person in the world who can give them to him. His mommy. He's going to be a very lucky boy.

None of us get to choose how long we get to spend with the people we love. Enjoy every beautiful second.

[Eliza]

Oh dear Violet,

I hope with you and for you, but more than hope, I have FAITH! You are such a beautiful soul, and you have so much love to give. THAT will be your defining trait!

Also, on a lighter note, ALL kids are embarrassed by their parents, no matter how cool or perfect they are. It's what kids do.

Lots of love from Eliza

[Kamika]

Keep that heart full of hope and love honey! You are already such a good mommy!!!!

[Quiet Violet]

I really hope so! I can't wait to share what he looks like.. smooshy birth face and all!

[Quiet Violet]

Thank you all for your kind words. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in worrying about what my little one will think of me.

<3

[Emma Sparnon]

So sweet! Roman will love you.

[Katie]

Oh Violet, this post is so beautiful, I'm all teary. You are so inspiring and strong - you are going to make a wonderful mother and that little boy is just going to adore you!

Sending much love and hope your way x

[Amanda]

<3 you!

[Elizabeth]

It's all been said. He'll be okay with the "different" part because that's what he'll know as Mama.

Love from Sonoma.

[Emily]

Heartbreakingly beautiful post. You are going to make an amazing momma, lucky Roman. :)

[Little Gray Pixel]

(((Violet)))

I worry about cancer, too, because my mother and grandmother both died of lung cancer in their early 50s. I know it's not the same as your situation, but I think we all have similar fears for our mortality.

And I'm sure Roman won't think of you as "different" at all. You're his mama! Which means you'll be his world.

[[email protected]]

Your child will be open and accepting of others because of you, not in spite of you. He will not notice that you are different, to him you are normal, its the rest of us that are different. As for worry, we all have that about our kids. I remember saying to my mother, "I can hardly wait until they are grown so I can stop worrying" and she responded "you never stop worrying" and she was right. We all worry, we are mothers, its our job. If a mother doesn't worry thats when something is wrong. You will be a great mom because you already have so much love for your son.

[Michael]

Great Post!
I'm really impressed with the level of discussion here - I think that many of you could make really great parenting experts on Wizpert. Wizpert is signing up experts by invitation only so if the link does not work for you - just go to wizpert.com and use the code "879d0".

[Michelle]

Steph you'll be a wonderful mom. Roman will love you more than anything and he'll grow into a strong and compassionate young man because of the wonderful things you'll teach him. All mommas worry, it comes with the job. Hugs Wish you were coming for Rally this year so I could see you in person.

[Joanna]

I hope all your hopes come true! You're going to be an amazing mom!

[Mish]

You are going to be a wonderful Mommy! On the parking in the handicap if he is anything like my kids he will be happy he gets to park close when he is with you. My mom parks in handicap for her arthritis and my kids love to go places with her because it means they get closer parking. So if he ever starts to get embarrassed remind him during a busy day out that he got prime parking and didn't have to walk far :).

[Erin]

It will all be so good! He will love you and probably tell all his friends how you are the coolest of all the moms. I toast you with my mason jar of sweet tea: Here's to hoping (clank!)! I love you and think that you are just tops. I can't wait to hug your neck when I meet you!! I may hug Roman, too. But don't worry... I will be gentle. ;-)