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" Choose to be alive everyday."
-Bubby
Today was an emotional up and own for me. It's like someone strapped me into the Big Cry Baby (my lame attempt at making up a roller coaster name!) and I've been looped about, dipping up and down, all day.
As much as I say that we should appreciate everyday and be so, so thankful for every little thing, I still find myself needing to hear the same advice. I guess it's in my true love for the little things and wanting to live for many, many long years that the tears and worries, ups and downs still come.
I love this boy that's growing inside of me. I love his father, too. I love them both with everything, every little drop that is my entire being. If you could possibly count and compartmentalize each drop of water in every ocean, my love would still be of a greater number.
I WANT to be able to know that I'll be here for them. That Roman won't have some sob story about how, despite his Mother's unending love for him, her time on earth was cut short... with him being just a boy, a baby even. I worry that he'll have no one to dance the Mother-Son dance with at his wedding (The logistics of me actually dancing in a wheelchair will have to be figured out at a later date. *wink*). I don't want his hurt to, to only remembers THINGS about me - my favorite food, my smell, the little bits - but I'm just not there. I don't want to be gone.
I knew that these thoughts would come when we started having children, but I didn't know what it would FEEL like. It's difficult to explain and I assume that some of you know what I'm trying to verbalize, but it's almost like trying to explain love or a sneeze or sunshine... the only possible way to understand it is to experience it.
As the summer season draws near, my worries escalate like usual. Summertime is hard for me -- I've only ever had cancer come back during the Summer months. It's funny how something that's only happened three out of twenty-six (almost twenty-seven!) of my years can taint my thoughts and plans for the future. I guess it's not funny, though. It hurts my heart and makes me cry and leads my mind into scenarios that I really don't much care for.
So, in honor of the man that loves me with all of his ounces (that's a little thing we say to each other), I choose to be alive today. Even if there's crappy little tumors in my lung - which is one of the looming fears that I will always have, and since they won't do my nice little reassuring CT scans while pregnant (for a good reason!), I won't be able to ease my fear until after Squid is born. With that aside, knowing that there's nothing I can do about any of that today, I choose to take Bubby's advice. I've got this - one day of happiness with my son in my belly and my Husband by my side is totally do-able.
*deep breath*
This is an interview I did with my friend that beat cancer. Thought you may be encouraged reading it. Xo http://yayalulu.blogspot.com/2011/04/lulus-friday-face.html
Posted by: Liza Morgan | 04/07/2011 at 08:25 AM
What wonderful reading; You make me just want to be happy and live for today. You are doing such a great job as a mommy already. You are the single most brave girl I know, and I think you are just amazing with your attitude towards life. Don't borrow trouble and worry. The little guy is coming into your life to bring that joy you deserve so very much.You have the best outlook on life I have ever seen, One of a kind for sure ! <3
Posted by: tammy matz | 04/07/2011 at 08:38 AM
I am pleased that you have the ability to articulate your feelings as that is healing and leads you to the daily mantra, "today". So keep on your path, eat well, sleep well, breathe, and maybe try more meditation in order to achieve peace of mind. Clearing your mind of all thoughts, just " today. Shalom
Posted by: myra | 04/07/2011 at 09:06 AM
Keep taking those deep breathes and keep sending positive messages to your body. You are inspiring and lovely and absolutely wonderful!!!!!!!!!!! I have my worries too, for different reasons of course, but I have them. I think it is natural for us "moms-to-be" to worry about what the future holds, just dont let it control you hun!
xoxoxoxo from one prego to another
Posted by: Kamika | 04/07/2011 at 10:11 AM
xoxo. sending good thoughts your way...
Posted by: lauren | 04/07/2011 at 11:08 AM
What more can I say than just: lots & lots & lots of love and understanding from the land of clogs & tulips...
Big big big hug
Eliza
p.s. and you are ALLOWED to be feeling afraid and freaking out now and again!
Posted by: Eliza | 04/07/2011 at 11:34 AM
"The only possible way to understand it is to experience it." Beautifully written. I have my own fears about not having a hundred more years with my husband, so I can only imagine how great and real your fears are. But you have this beautiful baby growing inside you, this amazing handsome husband standing beside you, and a beautiful life in front of you.
Peace to you today, friend.
Posted by: Larissa Cook | 04/07/2011 at 01:35 PM
i randomly came across your blog and as i was reading i was touched and want to let you know how much i support and appreciate when people blog about their true feeling and struggles. I just went through my second miscarriage and i find myself being leary of people the feelings i trully have inside.
anyway, stay strong you are amazing :)
-christa, young & restless blog
Posted by: christa | 04/07/2011 at 03:47 PM
This is such a beautiful post. You are amazing and inspiring and all around fabulous. I'm sending big hugs and positive thoughts to you and the whole family. :)
Posted by: Alli (One Pearl Button) | 04/07/2011 at 05:24 PM
Beautiful post and beautiful name for your son, I have a Roman Atticus who just turned one. :)
Posted by: Emily | 04/07/2011 at 08:26 PM
I've said it before and I'll continue to say it - You're an amazing woman.
Posted by: Megan Y | 04/11/2011 at 08:58 PM