Thursday, I had a hard day. It was difficult for me when my baby doctor, Dr. J., told me to gain 10 pounds in two weeks. I've gained seven pounds so far, and as I'm approaching my 24th week, he feels that I should have gained more.
I have a weird relationship with food. Not in the sense that I'm afraid of the food I eat or that I'm worried that I'll get fat. It's totally nothing like that. I'm not scared to gain a little chub.
The thing is, I connect food with health. I connect eating healthy with keeping my immune system up. I connect having a good immune system with keeping the cancer from coming back. Food is my secret weapon! It's my medicine!
My Oncologist -- cancer doctor -- told me that if my cancer were to come back again, he wouldn't have me do any chemo, because after two separate regimens, ten years apart, it's obvious that it doesn't work on my cancer. My kind of cancer, Osteosarcoma, is of bone. Osteo not only likes bones, but it likes lungs. Obviously. ;) And, after losing my leg, a lung, part of the other lung and some major parts to my digestive system, I don't know what else this cancer could steal from me without taking my life, too.
I kind of like living.
So, when I'm told to eat more, eat to gain bulk, not eat to for the nutrients, it scares me.
Ten pounds on my frame -- ten pounds of fat, mind you, because he didn't mention anything about the weight coming from muscle -- is hard for me to do. I had visions of gorging myself on McDonalds, Slim-Jims and eating grocery-store pies made with white flour and hydrogenated Crisco and cups and cups of white sugar. All things that I connect with being un-healthy, that my mind then connects with getting sick again.
I eat pretty healthy. Very little wheat (it hates my belly), small amounts of dairy (I LOVE cheese, but it triggers my asthma) and as little white sugar or things that are high in empty carbs. Sugar spikes my blood-sugar and make me feel like total crap.
How will I put on 10 pounds without upsetting my touchy, Whippled tummy and compromising my food/cancer beliefs, which will then cause me to worry like a wart? I already eat like a champ - lots of healthy fats and protein and fruit sand veggies and whole grains. I don't let myself get too hungry and never deny myself when I want almost anything. I eat big meals and snack all day long. I've surprised people with how much food I can put away and how often I pack it in. (That sounds dirty, sorry folks.)
Dr. J. recommended Ensure, which I totally hate. It's milky and full of sugar and tastes like watered-down pudding crap. The top four ingredients are water, sugar (sucrose), corn syrup, maltodextrin. GROSS! I'd rather have a real milkshake and pop an extra vitamin. He said that I could also do smoothies with protein powder, which I'm leaning towards. We'll see.
I know that he is trying to look out for what's best for both me and the Squid, but it was so discouraging to be told that what I'm doing isn't good enough. I think we all can understand how that feels, right? I know I'm not alone there.
After letting myself feel blue, bumming around the house like a hobo and talking with a few close friends, I came to conclusion that I was doing good enough. I am good enough. My doctor wouldn't recommend that I gain weight to make me feel bad about myself and how I eat, and he definitely wouldn't recommend that I do anything to make my cancer come back.
This is for me. Squid is getting everything that he needs from all the good food that I already eat and I'm just getting the left-overs. I need to continue to eat healthy foods, just more of them so that I am okay. To keep my immune system up. To fight as hard as I can to keep on living.
I'm not going to shoot for any number on the scale, even if he does want to see 10 pounds. I will shoot to eat even better that I do and eat more of all that good stuff. I can do this, I know I can.
Wish me luck, loves? Think the most un-cancer filled thoughts that you can. Send my body the best vibes and most healthy wishes that you can muster up. My little heart would sure love a break from all this worrying. I swear, I'm getting more gray hairs each day. I think I'll rock the salt-and-pepper look when that time come. Please, please, let me experience that time.
Goodness.
Who knew that growing this sweet little boy would be so much work and worry?
He's worth it.
Maybe you should visit a dietician!? He or she could show you some healthy ways to gain the weight. I've been to a dietician a couple of times because of my eating disorder and maybe it takes longer but it is possible to gain weight with healty food!
Posted by: Gesine | 03/12/2011 at 09:07 AM
Call me.
Posted by: Lindsay | 03/12/2011 at 09:27 AM
My dad had the same type of cancer. He caught it too late.
My first major in college was nutrition and my husband is a butcher. If you want to gain weight in a healthy way I highly suggest eating more protein. It's good for Squid-Kid's development too! Grass-fed beef or lamb and air-chilled chicken are great choices. The animals are healthy, which makes the meat healthier. You can find them at Whole Foods or other health food stores. Nuts are also full of calories and nutrients, some almonds with some fruit for snack or breakfast is a nice choice. Keep your chin up, and I agree with you completely-- ensure, white flour and white sugar are awful choices! I'm sure if you eat some meat and potatoes you'll gain some of that weight, and Squid-Kid will develop a healthy brain and strong bones... So win-win!
Sorry this was so long, but I really wanted to help as much as I could =)
Posted by: Biscuit McGhee | 03/12/2011 at 11:33 AM
Oh and to clarify, the comment about my dad was to demonstrate how much I relate to and care about cancer treatment. It's affected my life deeply, but so has nutrition. Seriously if you just focus on eating the most nutrient dense foods you can I'm sure you'll gain that weight!
Posted by: Biscuit McGhee | 03/12/2011 at 11:35 AM
Stephanie, you are unique in your medical issues and your own self being. You have are very self aware and nobody knows you like you. Trust your instincts. Remember your doctor has to tell you certain things for your own knowledge but also to protect himself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with eating healthy and staying away from junk food. The Medical recommendation for "normal" pregnancy weight gain is around 25 pounds, he is just trying to keep you on track, some gain less, others more. It doesn't mean that the baby is not just fine. Keep doing what you are doing, take the vitamins, try the smoothies and keep up the protein. You and Squid will be fine. Just remember that your situation is not the same as everyone else.
Posted by: [email protected] | 03/12/2011 at 11:45 AM
Violet, I am very moved by your circumstances and your clear strength and faith in life and love, and your awareness of yourself as a part of nature who can thrive by taking in the healthy offerings of nature.
The previous commenters have given good suggestions, it seems to me. Yes, you can maintain your healthy eating and gain weight. Just eat more of what you know is healthy. Healthy protein of all sorts is key. And most important, listen to your body, because as others have said...you are unique...and you seem very self-aware.
I also ask Goodness to allow you to experience length of life.
Posted by: Paulette | 03/12/2011 at 12:25 PM
As long as your baby is gaining weight and growing appropriately, there is no harm in continuing what you're doing, IMHO. Your baby IS getting the benefit of all that good, healthy food you're eating. The protein shakes sound like a good idea. Yogurt, fresh fruit and protein powder make GREAT smoothies!!
Posted by: Jackie | 03/12/2011 at 03:13 PM
I agree with all of the above. I think you should do what you feel is right for your baby and yourself. I'm not a dietician nor am I trying to be, but I would just try to add a few extra calories to each meal. Like having a second bowl of all bran with blueberries or a few extra pieces of cheese.
You have done a great job taking care of yourself and your baby boy will thrive off that!
Posted by: Tamara Janzen | 03/12/2011 at 07:53 PM
Have you read The Paleo Solution book? It seems you pretty much already do "paleo" but it might give you some more ideas.
-From another Stef!
Posted by: Stef | 03/12/2011 at 07:57 PM