Cancer is a Gift

(click the link and watch the video first -- sorry, there is no "embed" code for the video.)

Man Dying of Cancer Leaves Behind an Unforgettable Video

 

After seeing this video through a friend on Facebook, I knew that I had to write something on here about what I was feeling.

I am not a majorly religious person.

I believe in God and respect the fact that I will never understand everything that IS God. I think that's part of what makes religion and spirituality so great - you have to have faith. You have to give up control and just go with it... there is not any concrete, 100% positive proof that any of it is true, so you just have to... let go. Dive in. Feel it. Pry your white-knuckled little fingers off of the driver's wheel, close your eyes and just... be.

When I had cancer as a child, I didn't understand. At eleven years old, you just kind of do what your parents tell you to. You get the chemo. You lose your hair. You have the leg removed.  You just do it.

As an adult, having your life threatened at not only twenty-one and twenty-five is a different story. 

[2005 - losing my lung.]

You think.

You lay awake, conscious and in pain - both physical and heart-ache pain. My heart was broken, mouth and mind tired of asking WHY. Why do the druggie kids down the street get to frolic about, dance in our headlights as we make our way to the E.R. because the chemo had pulverized my white-blood cells and I now had an infection?

Why do my peers get to finish college, drink, go to parties, have jobs while I worry if this my last Christmas. The last winter I'd ever share with my Husband or the last Summer that I'd ever feel the heat. Why would God punish me this way?


[2005 - sometimes smiles are fake.]

Through many nights and days of WHY, I eventually came to conclusion that my cancer was a gift.  god wasn't punishing, he was putting me through the school of life. I'd accepted the hardships of cancer, taken the burden and fear, carried the big rock on my little back for a reason.

God had, through cancer and without me realizing, given me a "life" Bachelors Degree, with an emphasis on Inspiring Others and a minor in Mending Your Own Broken Heart.

I was given these trials to help others.
Put through "class" to inspire other people simply by surviving.
To live deeply.
To not give up, even when the doctors told my family to prepare for my death (that was two and half years ago before my stomach surgery).
To hold my head high even when I get odd looks while I shop for groceries in a wheel chair.
To smile with the force of a thousand suns when a little kid stops dead in his track to stare at the spot where my right leg should be and asks, "What's WRONG with you?"
To learn to love myself.
To let others know that it's okay to be different.
That birth, death, breathing, sex, peeing, walking, sleeping, falling, crying, smiling, driving , cooking are the most beautiful things ever to grace the face of the Earth.

[2009 - after we were told I was gunna die within the month.]

[2009 - the first picture I took after my stomach surgery. two months after I proved them wrong.]

[2009 - four months, learning to really love.]

Cancer has gifted me the understanding that EVERYTHING is a gift.
Not to take anything for granted.
To enjoy each meal, because I've experienced a time when a tumor blocked my stomach off and it was physically impossible for me to eat.
To enjoy each time I can get up to pee by myself, no catheter, no chemo-scented urine.
To roll around in MY bed in MY pajamas with not a hint of "hospital laundry" smell anywhere.
That Husbands, Mothers, Fathers, siblings, In-Laws, Aunts & Uncles, friends and pets that love you, even when you're puking in their living-room or begging them for answer as to WHY you're dying... that is a gift. The best gift. 
To be happy with the small things. To pick them out, hug them and hold them up for all to see.
To be thankful (SO THANKFUL) that my body is healthy now, even if it doesn't stay this way forever.

[People who've held me up when I've fallen down and have helped learn how to love my whole self. They  were hand-picked by God to help me and for each I am forever grateful.]

The most important lesson that cancer has gifted me is to love.
To love HARD.
To kiss the man that I love with every cell in my body.
To wrap my arms around him even if he smells like "work" and B.O.
To let my soul seep out of my pores and blanket him with love, even if he's sleeping.
That everything good that has ever happened on Earth was because of love, in someway.
To let my heart feel love for people even if we're not getting along, because deep down, after pride and anger and jealousy and resentment, I still honestly love everyone more than I love the sun, sleep and In-N-out burger combined.
Even if I don't know you, I still love you.

[Yeah, my kid sticks his tongue out at the camera even while in the womb. He's AWESOME!]

And this Baby, this beautiful little creatures who lives inside my body and grows a little each moment, is the biggest miracle I've ever witnessed in my whole life.
There isn't a big enough number to express how thankful and happy and full of pure love I am.
Everything I've been taught by cancer has opened my eyes, prepared me for this time in my life, this baby, this adventure, this love.
Cancer has shown me how amazing it is to be human, just a random girl sitting in a wheel chair, stuck to the floor by gravity on planet Earth that's floating in space around a star called the Sun.
There isn't an ocean full of enough water to match the the amount of joy that swims in my heart in this moment as I type this to you.

Cancer was a gift.
Cancer made me thankful.
Cancer helped me to inspire.
Cancer taught me humility and how be humble.
Cancer taught me to get excited about the teeny little things.
Cancer taught me to love deeply and fully.
Cancer has brought me to God.


Cancer was the greatest gift I've ever been given.

Comments

[Nanci]

I am so inspired by you. You are such a beautiful person, inside and out. You help me keep a better attitude about things that happen around me. Thank you, Steph!

[[email protected]]

Thank you Stephanie...you are truly beautiful!

[Kyla Roma]

This just blows me away, you have an incredibly beautiful heart and spirit <3

[thursday]

Stephanie you are such an inspiration friend. This post totally broke me down and had me crying. I don't have the right words to express what I'm thinking right now, but I wanted you to know that after reading this I feel even more honoured to know you and call you a friend. <3

[Elizabeth]

Wow Stephanie, that was the most intense, wonderful, interesting, tear- jerking blog ive ever read. You really got me thinking about my life and how I need to enjoy and embrace the obsticles that it gives me. You are a beautiful person, thank you for sharing this! :)

[Lindsay]

"Even if I don't know you, I still love you." Best thing ever -- you teach your son/sun everything about the love you've learned to feel and teach him to experience it himself and what a gift to the world he will be :)

xoxo. Linds

[Linda]

Stephanie *YOU* are a true gift! You leave me speechless. The longer I know you the more I LOVE you!

[allison]

This is an amazing post and a beautiful expression from an amazing, beautiful woman. You are wonderful, and I love reading your blog.

[PuNk rAwK pUrL]

1. awesome that you can see & acknowledge the gift of YOU.. your life.
2. you have the most adorable face!

[KJ]

My dear Stephanie, YOU are God's greatest gift to US. Thank you for sharing your beautiful soul. Bless you. We love you.
Auntie Karen & Uncle John

[Kim Smith]

you are such an inspiration!
:] You put it so well into words.
I come here sometimes when I need a reminder that the hardest things in life make us strong and so much more awesome for it. Thanks.
Recently I've stopped seeing my chronic illness as a blessing in disguise. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction again. [:kxo

[Jennifer]

This post blew me away.First time commenting, but I've been a fan for some time :) I've got tears in my eyes. You are seriously so inspirational, and I am so happy and filled with hope and love because of you! :) thank you for reminding us to love.
Jennifer

[Kate @ Undeniable Style]

Your honesty is inspiring and your story is incredible. Thank you so much for sharing.

[SusieP.]

You're amazing, Stephanie, and you made me cry before I even had time to get my coffee this morning. ;)

[kamika]

you are inspiring my dear

[Megan Younce]

this was incredible, definitely brought some tears to my eyes! you are amazing.

[Mandey Ejiasi]

Holy cows this is the best thing I've ever read. The. Best. Thing.

[Sarah]

You have such a beautiful story! You are amazing and so inspiring! <3

[Eliza]

Thank you Stephanie, I needed to read this...

[natalea]

Hello. I just found your blog and I am so incredibly blown away by your words...your journey. You are such an inspiration. I am sitting here choked up and so, so moved by your posts. Many blessings to you, xo natalea