(1 + 1 = 3) Handling The Fear

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I've gotten a few emails from people (mostly women) who are inspired by my fearlessness and bravery. I've also gotten emails from women who have had experiences that are similar to mine in the miscarriage and pregnancy department. Last night I got an especially lovely letter from a new reader who shared that she too had struggled with some of the things that I did after losing the baby last year.

I want to be honest with you guys.

I'm not fearless and most of the time I don't feel very brave.

I'm scared every day of my life. Scared that one day I'll wake up and find a lump on one of my ribs. Scared that I'll cough one day and just know that something is growing in my only lung. Fearful that I'll go pee one day soon and notice that I'm bleeding and I'll go into pre-term labor and Squiddy, this beautiful little boy of mine, will not make it. Scared that something will be wrong with him after he's born. I fear that after all of my hard work, all of the swollen feet and laboring and birth, that I'll get cancer again and die before I can really enjoy being a Momma to my boy. Scared that I'll leave Dustin all alone with this baby. Scared of his broken heart and a boy without his Mom. Scared that my parents will have to bury their daughter.

I'M SCARED.

Do you know what I've realized, though?

There is nothing wrong with being scared or having fear. There is nothing wrong with the tears full of fear that fall down my cheek. There is nothing wrong with holding my breath every time I have a painful twinge in my back and belly or freaking out every time I have a sore lung from coughing (dang dairy aggravated asthma).

I accept my fear. I don't hide from it. I try really hard to take it for what it is and embrace it. 

Only in accepting what scares you, standing up, looking it right in the face and telling it that it's okay to be there, can you really move forward. I take my fear by the hand and keep on walking down my life's path. Hand in hand, chin up and eyes mostly forward. Just keep walking.

 

 

Happy Saturday, my loves.
:)

Comments

[angie livesay]

I'm a frequent reader but a horrible commenter but had to come forward today. That was a really beautiful post. I'm not pregnant, never have been, never tried to be BUT am expecting to go down the trying road soon. Part of me is so ready to try and part of me is terrified by all of the unknowns of pregnancy. But, I feel inspired by your post to face fear- not just in pregnancy but in life in general. Thank you for your honesty. You are most definitely a superbrave girl.

[Nanci]

Once again, you amaze me, Steph. When I consider my stresses and fears, then read your blog, I know I have strength to handle mine. My grandmother once wrote me a sweet letter explaining that I come from strong stock. We don't turn into basket cases, we build, grow and get stronger. Even with this sage advice, my sweetest memory of her is digging red potatoes from her garden, hosing them off and eating them raw within minutes while we still had dirt under our fingernails!

[sherixfirefly]

You're right darling, there's NOTHING wrong with being scared. I try to tell myself that whatever I am feeling is natural, and valid. You are brave, but you are right 'fearless' isnt the right word... I'll say fear fighting *becomes a ninja*

[Andrea]

I think you are exactly right. I myself have struggled continuously with fear of losing who and what I love most lately. I haven't been this happy in a long time, and I'm afraid it will somehow all be taken away in some crazy freak accident or something. But I've learned that there is no need to obsess over such fears. Its better to just recognize that the fears exist too, along with the happiness and joy and excitement. We need not let them take over our lives, but rather embrace them and allow them to leave us balanced with reality.

Hugs to you and lil Squid!

[Deanna]

what a beautiful post! there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling scared. :)

[Eliza]

I love your blog and your writing Stephanie. You are a very inspiring person (obviously in a cool, non-afterschool-special way ;-)

Love, Eliza

[bein good to me]

Beautiful. We as a society need to hear these kinds of things more often, that there's nothing wrong in being afraid and being encouraged to not let fear take over our lives but instead to embrace it and work through it is uplifting. Thanks for your honesty and for sharing with us. :)
-Lisa

[Diana Smith]

Great post! It speaks so much truth!!

[Michelle Clausen]

Oh steph, u are the definition of bravery and what it is to go through traumatizing events and not just live through them but thrive when they are over. I have watched u all of my life go through good times and bad. Have feared for you, then watch you beat every odd given to u. Now you have this most precious life growing in you, who gets to thrive because of all u do for him, and you get to have one of life's great experiences with him. You are the strongest person I know. I love ya steph and thanks for sharing.