I Took Them Down.

While cleaning the living room up a bit today, I came across a little quilt square that my friend Michelle had made me. She made it and sent it when she found out that the baby had died, as a sort of memorial piece for me. I haven't really decided what to do with it, so there it sat in a pile of papers that didn't really have a home.

Well, I came to the conclusion that the stuff in the  pile needed to "put away" (a.k.a., shuffled around to different spots) and I decided that the quilt's home was to be in the bag of supplies that I bought for the little memorial album that I still haven't made. 

King's of Leon was playing on Pandora.com, Use Somebody. If you've ever been around me, you know that I don't hear very well and often, when it comes to songs, make up the lyrics because I don't really know what they're saying. The phrase "use somebody" sounds an awful lot like "lose somebody" when you're hard of hearing, like I am. It was in that moment, like a bolt of lightening, that  knew that it was time for the sonogram pictures to come down. The three little picture, gray scale, yet so full of emotional color, had been quietly living on the fridge since they were taken, chronicling the swell and then the shrink of our baby's home.

I burst into tears. My heart hurt. It felt like somebody put a really hot, wet beach towel around my heart and left it there to see how long I could stand the tug of its weight.

After putting the pictures and the quilt square in the package with the little album, I let my self cry and was kind of shocked that I could go from being peppy and dreaming about how hot the lead singer of Kings of Leon, Caleb Followill, was, to feeling like my core had been punched by a rather vicious, large man.

I don't know if I ever will be "okay" with what happened or not have moments of utter sadness and tears, but I'm working on it. How can you love and miss someone so much that you never even got to meet?

In June, Dustin and I are going to start trying again. I'm working on my bath and body company. We have a dog trainer coming tonight. Saturday, we're going to the beach. I've been spring cleaning. Tomorrow is a new day.

*Deep breath*  :]

xx,
Violet

Comments

[Alli (One Pearl Button)]

*Hugs* I know you'll find your way through it.

[Lindsay]

Lovely, gorgeous, beautiful. And we love fully because it's our job. Spring cleaning is for feelings too.

[Jacqueline Cooper]

Oh sweetie...it will get better! It will stop hurting so much in time--I promise! xo

[Leigh-Ann]

you're the strongest girl I know, and you're doing great sweetie. i wish i could hug you everyday, i love you so much and wish you didn't have to go through this pain

[Momma]

Hi Violet, So sorry that you have to feel that pain again. Things will get better for you and you'll feel better soon. Think of the fun you'll have in June, you need to practice lots.
Miss you!

Love Momma

[Violet]

Thanks for the love, guys. I feel good! My life feels good. I'm ready for a new beginning,a fresh start, a new Spring!

:D