I'm Okay.

Hello lovely blog readers.

Well, I made it through this weekend. Not only were we dealing with the baby events, we also packed up our stuff ( I hadn't been able to lift or pack much and poor Dustin ran around like a chicken with his head cut off) and moved 45 minutes closer to Dustin work AND, my poor man started a new route (for his job) in South San Francisco. We have literally been in non-stop mode, him getting home late and then working on his route paperwork until bed and us dashing out to Oakley (where we used to live and where our parents and Widgey and Fonzie are) to finish last minute house clean ups before our final walk through (it's this Saturday).  And me? I've been dealing with horrendous cramps.

I went to see my Doctor on Tuesday and had a ultrasound. The baby doesn't have a heartbeat anymore. It also measures two weeks too small and I know exactly when I ovulated (ovulation pee sticks), so the baby wasn't growing right. I've decided to wait one more week, as my doctor wants to be 100 % positive that the baby really is dead and it's no some freaky, terrible mistake, and then we will remove baby if it hasn't happened naturally by then.

I don't feel pregnant like I did. This baby isn't alive anymore... I just know. Call it maternal instincts, but this baby isn't going to be anymore alive in a week than it is now.

I spent most of the past few days  glued to my bed (that is, until they kicked me off the bed to move it), tears poring down my red, swollen, salt burned face.  I let myself hate every pregnant woman I saw. I whimpered anytime I heard the word "baby" or saw an infant or small child. I got mad (internally) at all of my friends who have children. I held my tummy and I cried and I cried and curled into a ball and fell asleep. Over and over again.

But, today is a new day. I feel as good as possible. I haven't cried all day. I actually feel.. kind of....  happy.  

So, what now? Well, I've got pain medication for the cramps (they get really bad at night time) and I'm using a heating pad to help with the aches. My body has been feeling more back to "normal" and less pregnant. My boobs aren't sore and I'm not nauseated at all.  I have a little more energy, too, but the pain of the cramps (when I have them) kind of counteracts that. It's odd, the feeling of the cramps. They're not quite like period cramps, more towards the center and where my bladder is. Very centralized and intense.

I actually just really want to pass this baby and move on. It's weird having what was going to grow and be your first born kind of stuck in limbo in your body. It's actually quite creepy. I keep saying, "Baby, please just leave. Please get out of my body so we can start again. So we can make another body, a perfect one,  for you to come back to."  No luck so far.

We definitely want to try again. Soon. Really soon. As soon as the doctor "okays" it. I'm not a quitter. Even with a cracked heart, I wont' give up and Dustin is right there with me.  WE WANT A BABY!

[This is my most recent fortune. I'm working on the patience part. :) ]

 

Comments

[Sabrina]

And you know your friends are there for you too. I love you Ms. V.
With all of my heart and soul.

Bree.

[Alli (One Pearl Button)]

I'm so sorry to read this. My thoughts are still with you and the baby.

[Ray]

Hugs Girl . Were here for you. Love you xoxoxoox Sorry for everything.

[Dusty]

You are such an inspiration to me: Beautiful, smart, sensitive, powerful, wise, and gracefully able to deal with life's toughest challenges as though you are walking across pebbles. Listen to the cookie . . . you'll get what you are looking for one of these days (hopefully sooner rather than later).

Time and love have a way of making things better.

Hugs, kisses, and extra kisses for good measure.

-Dusty

[Joanna]

there are no words I ca say to help you feel good, I know. But there are people out here who read what you say, have a peek into your life and care about you.

I am sorry you are feeling lost and lonely right now. It must be very hard especially in the physically state that you are in. Once that passes it will help make a clearer path for you, I think.

Remember to breathe deeply.

A hug from me,

Joanna
The Soap Bar

[Rachel]

You are normal. You are healthy. You will make another body for this baby to come back to. I promise.
I remember wanting to be pregnant so bad that I couldn't look at a baby without crying.
I hated all pregnant ladies.
You will be okay. It will happen for you.
I love you.

[Leigh-Ann]

i love you so much

[Lane]

hugs and postive engery your way from someone who has been there and is now on the other side. You are a brave person for putting it all out for the world to see.

[Rachel (Bruizeman) Gill]

I'm so sorry for your loss Steph. I don't know what you are going through, but it must be one of the hardest things for a woman to face. I am praying for you hun...that you will heal quickly.

[Amy Noack]

Steph, I'm so sorry. You are one of the most deserving couples of a baby that I know of (did that make sense?). You can borrow my kiddo whenever you want!

[Lori Nova]

precious steph, i just read... i'm so sorry for your loss. i can't imagine what this must feel like or how hard it is for you and dustin. this will take some time to grieve for sure. all i know for sure is that you and dustin are awesome people and you must bring another awesome human being into this world. just keep the faith and know it will happen for you when the time is right :) ~much love, L