Purple Tissue Box

There are times when I have things that I don't want to share with you guys. But, when I first created this blog, I knew that I wanted it to be  a place where I told the truth. The real story. Salt, lemons and all. And, in my story, there are good and bad things. Happy and sad things. Dreams and nightmares.  Joy and heartaches. None the less, they are all real.  And they are all mine.

Thursday, I started getting cramps. Slight period style cramps, not a big deal.  Around 8:30 in the evening, after calling the advice nurse and her re-assuring me that it's okay as long as there wasn't any spotting. After the call, I go into the bathroom to pee and I see brown spotting. My heart stops. Literally, like in a movie, the second hand on the clock stops. Looking up, the bathroom feels cold. White, sterile... completely different than it did 30 seconds before.

With tears in my eyes, I inform Dustin and I call the advice nurse back and tell her that I AM spotting. She tells me that it's probably okay and that she's going to book me an appointment next week to see my Doctor. Something still doesn't feel right and I tell Dustin that I want to go to the Emergency Room.

After driving over and checking in, Dustin and I are seated in the side waiting room (thankfully, they let us sit away form the sickos).  I had to pee again and this time when I wiped, it was red. I came out of the bathroom, tears burning my face and Dustin took me into his arms. I sat on his lap and he held me so tenderly as I cried and we waited for an exam room to open up. 

While still waiting, I called my Mom and both she and my Dad rushed over to be with us. My dear Mom, who goes to bed at 8:30 p.m. (she gets up at 4), woke out of her sleep,when I called at 10:30,  threw on some closes and came, bleary eyed to be with us. 

They admitted me into a room and drew some blood. Dustin and my Dad both went home around Midnight because they both had to get up and go to work in a few hours. My Mommy stayed and held my hand.

The doctor came in and fumbled around and did a pelvic exam and an ultra sound. He said, even though he really didn't look like he knew what he was doing, that my cervix was closed and that he saw some fetal heart movement. I was instructed to make an appointment the next day, Friday, and check up with an OB. They discharged me and we got home around 3:30 a.m. with a little bit of hope in our hearts.

The next day, yesterday,  I got an appointment with a random OB, because my doctor was booked. My Mom and I, after having a nice lunch, went to my appointment and we were told that not only do I have some spotting, but the baby has a slow heart beat and that it's not quite as big as it should be for how far along I am. She said that the baby has about a 50/50 chance, but it doesn't look good. She sent me home with directions for a miscarriage and told me to come back in one week if nothing happens. 

my Mom dropped me off (she offered to stay with me, but I needed to be alone) and I spent the afternoon waiting for Dustin to get home from work and crying on our bed. Eating chocolate and pretzels and watching Big Love on DVD (gosh, that's a good show) with my Bluie (my cuddle pillow). I became acquainted with a nice purple box of tissues. I tried to distract myself, but every little cramp was like a cuckoo clock , reminding me why my eyes were burning. When Dustin got home, we went out and got some dinner. We also picked up a pack of super absorbency pads, just in case.

Here I am on Saturday evening, laying in bed while my poor Husband frantically tries to pack our house up for our move tomorrow. I've been getting stronger cramps all day and just now I realize that I'm spotting red.

So now... we wait. I get to sit here and rest and worry about every little pain and what it might bring. Me and that purple tissue box are becoming quite friendly.

[And since I'm allowed to be sad and angry, I just want to say that it really sucks that I have to fight so hard. It really sucks that my heart has been broken so many times. I'm sick of wishing for miracles. I'm sick of begging with all my heart.]

I'm ready for my Quiet Life, DAMN IT.

Comments

[Ray]

Hugs sweets. stay strong all you can do. Were here for you and Dustin.

[Amanda Smith]

hi. i just found your blog from another blog and i'm so so sorry for what you're going through. :[ my heart and thoughts go out to you and your family :]

[emily]

that does suck and you shouldn't have to fight so hard. But, I have been reading your blog and you are one strong cookie. A beautiful loving cookie. I will send you light and reiki.

[Jacque]

oh I'm so sorry that all of this is happening!! Don't worry! I'm sure that everything will be ok! I will definitely keep you in my prayers!!!

[Alice]

oh hun, im so sorry you're going through so much pain and worry! You deserve so much more! Sending love, hugs, prayer, happy thoughts and more hugs to you all! xxx

[Alli (One Pearl Button)]

I know that I only "know" you online, but I saw the title of this post and my own heart stopped. I'm so, so sorry that you are going through this. I'm sending my good thoughts to you and the baby - hang in there.

[Lorna]

Came across your blog from freckled nest amd was so moved by your latest post that have just sat and read through all your archive. I liked your honesty and reality to your posts...but your underlying optimism and keeping on with the zeal for life is what really inspired me. Glad to have found your blog and will keep you all in my prayers. Keep holding on to that desire for life

[Momma]

I was so sad to read your post Violet, I hope things improve. Sometimes life is not far and you have had your share. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs and kisses! :(

Love Momma
from Minnatobbba

[Lori Nova]

i am SO sorry to hear that you are having complications, frustration and that you have to "wait and see." my heart goes out to you. hang in there vi... if it's meant to be at this time it will be. if not, there is a better plan for you in store. try to have faith that it will all work out as it should. much love to you (and dustin).

[Mish]

I don't even know you except thru your blog. I found you thru freckled nest who I found randomly. Your blog is always a joy to read. Your blog is always one I look forward to reading because you are a strong woman. I just want to say that I am praying for you. There are no words that can comfort you and I can't even begin to know what you are going thru but I want you to know that I am praying for you and your family.

[Emily]

Oh...I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I went through the same thing in July and still cry about it! In fact, last week was to be my due date and I was nonfunctional for most of the day. But, good things happen and days get easier. But, it changes you when you lose something so special. I don't write this to sadden you..just so you'll know that you're understood! And, feel free to be honest.... you can't say or think anything I haven't said or thought. Life is not fair, but you are loved and things will work out. But, I know in the meantime, it hurts, and I'm so sorry! My prayer is that it all works out and this was just a bump in the road for you! Prayers for a healthy you and healthy baby. But know that no matter what, we support you and love you and are here to listen and cry with you through it all!
Blessings to you and your little family!

[Caitlin]

Stay strong Violet! :)

[Mandi]

I know that there aren't any words that can make you feel better, and even though I don't know you, I am praying for you and your husband.

[veronica garcia]

sending you love and prayers.

[Leigh-Ann]

i love you hunny

[Rachel (Bruizeman) Gill]

I just commented on your most recent blog post, but went back and read this one because I guess I missed this info. Just wanted to agree with you on one of your small details. Yes, Big Love is such a good show. One of our favorites.