In May I started taking sponsors for this blog, hoping it would create a tiny bit of an income for me, since I was putting so much into my blog. Now, don't get me wrong, I still AM putting effort into this lovechild of mine and getting paid is super great, but I just don't have the time that I thought I would. Naive woman, I was.
I've always been a selfish person, doing what I want, when I want, for the most part. But now that my little Roman is here, it has been a huge punch in my free time's face... and I wouldn't change it for anything. It's nothing like it used to be. Now, if there is something that I want or need to get done, I have to schedule it around Squid. My whole life is planned around HIS wants and HIS needs.
"Is Mommy smelly and needing a shower? Too bad.. baby comes first! Oh, you wanted to have dinner done when Daddy gets home? Bwhahaha. Yeah right, hold me for the next two hours! Oh, were you gunna eat that? I have a massive poo diaper that kind of smells like pungent chicken stew and I want you to check it out RIGHT NOW!"
I spend my whole day taking care of this sweet little man all while trying to keep our house chores in check and my belly somewhat fed. The magical minute when Daddy comes homes, oh boy, it's like Christmas! Someone can hold him and cuddle him and I know that he's okay AND I can get things (dinner, laundry, a leisurely pee) done without any worries. After we eat and put Squid to bed, Dustin and I kind of relax, do more house chores or go to bed, depending on how late it is. Well, Dustin goes to bed and I get an hour or two of "me" time. Those few hours are like heaven. They're like sex for my sanity. Seriously! Add a tiny bit of wine and I'm as happy as a dog licking the drippings from underneath the BBQ (Widgey and Fonzie, I'm talking to YOU).
Trying to keep this blog up in full force like I used to is turning out to be much more difficult than I thought it would be. In between his naps, if the mood strikes me, I'll put Squid in his bouncer and bounce him with my foot while I finish doing something blog related or social media orientated and recently I've been breaking my own heart. I find myself secretly wishing for him to "just grow up already" and hold his own bottle so I can "accomplish" more. What am I thinking? Why the hell am I rushing this time? For what, a blog post? This little boy will never EVER be this small again. If there's one thing that my experiences in life have taught, it's that tomorrow is not a sure deal for anyone. I need to take each day, milk it for what it's worth, wrap it in my snuggliest blanket and absorb each second. I want to take my time and enjoy every ounce of him, completely. I'm putting my foot down and I refuse to put my boy second to anything anymore.
With that being said, I'm just not able to keep up with my pre-baby schedule of daily posts, and have found myself panicking while I try and scramble a post together so ya'll think that I haven't evaporated into thin air. I don't WANT to feel that pressure, though. I don't want to feel guilty that I'm not posting "enough" and my sponsors feel like they're getting ripped off because I'm not keeping up. I want to get back to blogging for me and only for me. So, for now, I'm soothing my guilt and coddling my nerves by putting the breaks on the sponsorship wagon for a few months.
In addition, I've found myself falling off of the Twitter wagon. There just isn't enough time in the day for me to hangout in front of my computer or phone like I used to and keep up. My Quiet Life is a-changin' and it's so beautifully amazing. I find myself pausing and letting moments of pure happiness wash over me . This is what I've wanted for so long. This is, I know deep down to my core, what I was meant for.
Aura recently posted something that really hit home with me. She took a break from blogging and I think, if I'm reading her most recent post correctly, that she's done with blogging for now. She said, "... life lived when not a single person is looking is quite different than this online world." I know what she means. I SO know what she means.
Many moment in these past few months I've wondered what I'd do with my day if I didn't feel like I had to keep up with the blog world. With the other women and mothers and the fashion and perfect homes. If I didn't compare Roman's development with other babies his age. If I didn't well up every time I read about a fellow blogger who is able to breastfeed her baby with out supplementing. If I didn't look down upon myself for not having as many followers as her or the house filled with antiques like him. What would our days be like if we took it slow? If I took pictures with the purpose of just capturing a moment and keeping it to myself? What if we did live like no one was looking?
Right now, this is a time that I'll never get back. This boy, this baby that I dreamed about for so long, wish for and begged God to bless me, well he with deserves my attention, all of it. I hereby grant myself permission to not to feel guilty if don't post everyday. It doesn't matter if I'm wearing a cute vintage dress or just jeans and a nursing tank (this momma is not a hang-around-in-her-pajamas kind of Mom, though. *blech*). I'm not going to worry if my house is messy 3 out of 7 days a week or if my bed isn't covered in vintage linens... or if it isn't made, for that matter. I refuse to feel like a bad mother if Squid hasn't mastered holding his head up yet like some babies have, as long as he's trying and making progress. As long as he's healthy and Dustin and I are in love, as long as we savor this sweet, simple life of ours and we take it slow. That's all that matters.
Life is good and I am so thankful for what I've been given. <3
