Nothing new in Violet's world. I went ot Target today and didn't realize how hard it would be to be around so many housewives with babies and small children. I didn't realize that I would still have the urge to check the sale isle for cute baby clothes and then quickly look the other way when reality set it. Fuck babies.... Not really. It just makes me feel better to pretend that I don't care. No, that's not true either.
I got home from Target (our new, super awesome TWO LEVEL Target) and had some left overs for lunch and put Clueless on for some mindless, shallow entertainment. Then I got the urge for some Diet Dr. Pepper, which I never allow myself to have. So, I compromised and drove to the gas station and got a big (I'm talking, freaking huge) cup and filled it with ice and then grabbed a bottle of the "retro" Dr. Peppers (no corn syrup, hells yes!) and a $1 scratcher. I came home, crutched in the house with both the cup of ice and bottle of healthy (HA!) Dr. pepper (I've got skill) and proceeded to fill half of the icy cup with the Dr. Pepper and the other half with soda water for my sorrow-filled Clueless fest. God, I'm SO looking forward to being over being sad. I know that its expected and totally okay, but sometimes I step out side of myself and realize that I sound so sad and wallow-y.
I didn't win anything with the scrather, but it felt good to scratch the crap out of something and not feel guilty for ruining a tabletop/priceless vase/dog. ;)
I was talking to Leigh-Ann last night and we were talking about the fact that Bubby (Dustin) and I plan on burying the little bean if it passes naturally. And then I asked her if she'd send a button, a pretty one, to put in with the bean so it could be as if she were here, too.
Gosh, I miss her.
And then, it got me thinking that it might be really cool if any of you wanted to send a little trinket or a tiny note to put in a kind of a"love capsule" for this baby. I know that this baby wasn't very far along, but my goodness, I had/have so much love for it. How is it possible to love something so much that's the size of an M&M? My good friend Kim put it into perspective for me when she said that even though the baby had died, that I was a mother now and that's why it hurts so much. I am a mother, I just don't have a living baby.
Here is an excerpt from a story that I found that's really brought me a bit of peace :
" “I feel that I should tell you about when you were born,” my mother said as the dogs chased out on the white lake before us.“I wanted another daughter. Poor Page, stuck in the middle of four brothers. You can’t imagine how excited I was to find out that I was pregnant again!” Really? I thought. Even after five babies? Is it never just routine? “One night, when I was about twelve weeks along, I started to cramp and bleed. I knew I was miscarrying. Your dad took me to the hospital where I stayed for awhile. I sat in the hospital bed, overwhelmed by sadness. I prayed and prayed for hope, and it came. I was visited by you. You didn’t say anything, but I knew it was you, and I knew that you had decided to leave, but you promised to come back.” Then she added, “When you came, a year later, I saw that you had such a fickle personality. I was assured that we had met before.” III.
I awoke one morning with a vision. It was an hourglass. The top sand was slipping through the skinny waist into the bottom. And I knew my answer. Perhaps life doesn’t begin or end at a single moment. Maybe, if given normal, natural causes, our souls slip from one side to the other until we are all here, or we are all there. My Nana spent time dwelling on both sides until heaven pulled stronger. Similarly, I started out in my mother’s womb partially there, but cognizant enough to pull the plug when I wasn’t thrilled about the body being created for my spirit. I thought about a heaven full of spirits yearning for bodies, and an earth full of bodies longing to be spirits.
This was peace for me. I liked the residual emotion of transition, better than the harshness of finality. It made enough sense to ease my confusion and offered hope into my heart. Lucy’s baby would come again."
Next time, little Baby, it will be better. I can just feel it. <3