Hello lovely blog readers.
Well, I made it through this
weekend. Not only were we dealing with the baby events, we also packed
up our stuff ( I hadn't been able to lift or pack much and poor Dustin
ran around like a chicken with his head cut off) and moved 45 minutes
closer to Dustin work AND, my poor man started a new route (for his job)
in South San Francisco. We have literally been in non-stop mode, him
getting home late and then working on his route paperwork until bed and
us dashing out to Oakley (where we used to live and where our parents
and Widgey and Fonzie are) to finish last minute house clean ups before
our final walk through (it's this Saturday). And me? I've been dealing
with horrendous cramps.
I went to see my Doctor on Tuesday and had a ultrasound. The baby doesn't have a heartbeat anymore. It also measures two weeks too small and I know exactly when I ovulated (ovulation pee sticks), so the baby wasn't growing right. I've decided to wait one more week, as my doctor wants to be 100 % positive that the baby really is dead and it's no some freaky, terrible mistake, and then we will remove baby if it hasn't happened naturally by then.
I don't feel pregnant like I did. This baby isn't alive anymore... I just know. Call it maternal instincts, but this baby isn't going to be anymore alive in a week than it is now.
I spent most of the
past few days glued to my bed (that is, until they kicked me off the
bed to move it), tears poring down my red, swollen, salt burned face. I
let myself hate every pregnant woman I saw. I whimpered anytime I heard
the word "baby" or saw an infant or small child. I got mad (internally)
at all of my friends who have children. I held my tummy and I cried and
I cried and curled into a ball and fell asleep. Over and over again.
But, today is a new day. I feel as good as possible. I
haven't cried all day. I actually feel.. kind of.... happy.
So, what now? Well, I've got pain medication for the cramps
(they get really bad at night time) and I'm using a heating pad to help
with the aches. My body has been feeling more back to "normal" and less
pregnant. My boobs aren't sore and I'm not nauseated at all. I have a
little more energy, too, but the pain of the cramps (when I have them)
kind of counteracts that. It's odd, the feeling of the cramps. They're
not quite like period cramps, more towards the center and where my
bladder is. Very centralized and intense.
I actually just really want to pass this baby and move on. It's weird
having what was going to grow and be your first born kind of stuck in
limbo in your body. It's actually quite creepy. I keep saying, "Baby,
please just leave. Please get out of my body so we can start again. So
we can make another body, a perfect one, for you to come back to." No
luck so far.
We definitely want to try again. Soon. Really soon. As soon as the
doctor "okays" it. I'm not a quitter. Even with a cracked heart, I wont'
give up and Dustin is right there with me. WE WANT A BABY!
[This is my most recent fortune. I'm working on the patience part. :) ]