There are times when I have things that I don't want to share with you guys. But, when I first created this blog, I knew that I wanted it to be a place where I told the truth. The real story. Salt, lemons and all. And, in my story, there are good and bad things. Happy and sad things. Dreams and nightmares. Joy and heartaches. None the less, they are all real. And they are all mine.
Thursday, I started getting cramps. Slight period style cramps, not a big deal. Around 8:30 in the evening, after calling the advice nurse and her re-assuring me that it's okay as long as there wasn't any spotting. After the call, I go into the bathroom to pee and I see brown spotting. My heart stops. Literally, like in a movie, the second hand on the clock stops. Looking up, the bathroom feels cold. White, sterile... completely different than it did 30 seconds before.
With tears in my eyes, I inform Dustin and I call the advice nurse back and tell her that I AM spotting. She tells me that it's probably okay and that she's going to book me an appointment next week to see my Doctor. Something still doesn't feel right and I tell Dustin that I want to go to the Emergency Room.
After driving over and checking in, Dustin and I are seated in the side waiting room (thankfully, they let us sit away form the sickos). I had to pee again and this time when I wiped, it was red. I came out of the bathroom, tears burning my face and Dustin took me into his arms. I sat on his lap and he held me so tenderly as I cried and we waited for an exam room to open up.
While still waiting, I called my Mom and both she and my Dad rushed over to be with us. My dear Mom, who goes to bed at 8:30 p.m. (she gets up at 4), woke out of her sleep,when I called at 10:30, threw on some closes and came, bleary eyed to be with us.
They admitted me into a room and drew some blood. Dustin and my Dad both went home around Midnight because they both had to get up and go to work in a few hours. My Mommy stayed and held my hand.
The doctor came in and fumbled around and did a pelvic exam and an ultra sound. He said, even though he really didn't look like he knew what he was doing, that my cervix was closed and that he saw some fetal heart movement. I was instructed to make an appointment the next day, Friday, and check up with an OB. They discharged me and we got home around 3:30 a.m. with a little bit of hope in our hearts.
The next day, yesterday, I got an appointment with a random OB, because my doctor was booked. My Mom and I, after having a nice lunch, went to my appointment and we were told that not only do I have some spotting, but the baby has a slow heart beat and that it's not quite as big as it should be for how far along I am. She said that the baby has about a 50/50 chance, but it doesn't look good. She sent me home with directions for a miscarriage and told me to come back in one week if nothing happens.
my Mom dropped me off (she offered to stay with me, but I needed to be alone) and I spent the afternoon waiting for Dustin to get home from work and crying on our bed. Eating chocolate and pretzels and watching Big Love on DVD (gosh, that's a good show) with my Bluie (my cuddle pillow). I became acquainted with a nice purple box of tissues. I tried to distract myself, but every little cramp was like a cuckoo clock , reminding me why my eyes were burning. When Dustin got home, we went out and got some dinner. We also picked up a pack of super absorbency pads, just in case.
Here I am on Saturday evening, laying in bed while my poor Husband frantically tries to pack our house up for our move tomorrow. I've been getting stronger cramps all day and just now I realize that I'm spotting red.
So now... we wait. I get to sit here and rest and worry about every little pain and what it might bring. Me and that purple tissue box are becoming quite friendly.
[And since I'm allowed to be sad and angry, I just want to say that it really sucks that I have to fight so hard. It really sucks that my heart has been broken so many times. I'm sick of wishing for miracles. I'm sick of begging with all my heart.]